[SkaPaladin]

For a long time, I didn't care about anything.

I was letting myself pretty much rot where I was.

I used to just lie in bed almost for days at a time, just watching tv, or sitting on my computer. I guess it was a kind of depression.

I found some hobbies, but my weight was always an issue. I had pretty much given up.

Then, I found someone, to help me kill time, and eventually, I fell for her.

I didn't change who I was, and she literally found me disgusting, but she still hung out with me. I think that might be why I so hard for her.

I also didn't bathe very often, so that didn't help.

Well, anyways, once I realized that I would never get anywhere with her, I decided to turn my life around.

The lease was up with my friends, and I figured it would be a good time for a new start. She asked me to move in with her, but I had to get a job, to help pay the rent and bills. I took this opportunity to change who I was, and maybe, just maybe, I'd have my chance.

I've lost 60 pounds, I've cleaned up, and I changed my attitude. But no matter what I do, I'm still never good enough for her. I even talked to her about it, and she told me, flat out, that I have no chance with her, whatsoever.

Yet, much more attractive people are interested in me. But I can't get this one girl out of my head.

I used to be a cutter, and I just started again today.

She has slept with almost every single one of my friends, and she just added another one to the list at about 5 o clock this morning. I cut myself at about 6. Deep. Ouch.

I know how bad this is, but it seems no matter what I do, I can't get her out of my head. And unfortunately for me, I still don't have any insurance, because of the waiting period at my job. I think I might be bipolar, but I don't know. It might just be regular depression, but I had suppressed it for so long, because I was overweight, and underconfident. I got used to feeling that way, and now I can't change it.

I walked in on her and my friend. She knows how I feel, but it doesn't stop her from being the way she is. And I know I can't change her. They were drunk, but it's still no real excuse.

I just wish there was a way that I could show her what she is doing to me.

I just wish I could get her out of my head, because there is no way that a girl that is willing to do this to me, will ever be good enough for me.

Can someone please tell me what to do? I know, people never take advice when it's good for them.

I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time like this. I'm a stupid, stupid person. I can't stop liking this girl, I changed myself, and lost weight for all the wrong reasons, and I know it's not helping that I live with her. But I can't just move out, because she kind of needs me here.

I just hate her so much right now, I'm on my second pack of cigarettes and that blade is just looking so friendly right now.