Unclean Induction, So I'm Starting Fresh

[Heiricka]

I can just see myself now, October 14, 2008, starting fresh again. Oh my goodness. I guess if I had messed up once it would be ok to perhaps keep going, but I've goofed 3 days in a row. This is my pre-TOM time in which I want to just munch. So not only am I learning how to deal with that, but I'm also struggling at home. When I come home, I don't like to chat. I want to sit and relax. I hate the 50 question game. Today I'm giving my mother a copy of my Myers-Briggs test so she can understand my personality better. You think being my mother she would, but for some reason, she doesn't. It's really tripped out, I tell her I'm moving out, she gets pissed wondering why I have to go rent an apartment and pay that money when I could just stay home (no mortgage). But when I'm at home, there's always some friction, like my attitude. Most times I want peace and I don't want to talk. She asks me questions that she could answer herself if she would just use her brain and think. Last night she's on the phone with my sister and she asked me where did we get our dinner from last night. I just looked at her. She got mad. Dern, think!

That's what crazy crap that I deal with. Anyway, just venting. I need to add this one to my blog. I hope everyone else is doing well on induction. I'll be here for a while if anyone needs to chat and vent.

Erica

[lesszmore]

((hugs)) i know it isnt easy living w/mom when u've been away from her for a while, she still see u as a kid. How long has it been since u returned home. My sis has the same prob - grad from college and is now back home, its hard bc she's use to getting up and going and no one questionning her, but i gotta remind her that mom doesnt mean anything by it, she loves her and its hard to let go of your kids, and she loves the company again. My mom even told me that she thought my lil sis never talks to her or tells her anything... i told my sis and she felt bad and realized that she does brush her off often bc she likes her space, but realize that our lil ole' lady just wants to feel involved in our lives any kind of way. So she took her out for a mommy- daughter day and my mom loved it, and now she makes a pt every so often to do something with her.

If u can hangin in there, they do so... save the money!

[hillbilly]

Me, too.

Wasn't anything to do with food. My mind made me do it!!

Beginning again - the last time. This one will work. Positive thinking.

[Heiricka]

Originally Posted by lesszmore

((hugs)) i know it isnt easy living w/mom when u've been away from her for a while, she still see u as a kid. How long has it been since u returned home. My sis has the same prob - grad from college and is now back home, its hard bc she's use to getting up and going and no one questionning her, but i gotta remind her that mom doesnt mean anything by it, she loves her and its hard to let go of your kids, and she loves the company again. My mom even told me that she thought my lil sis never talks to her or tells her anything... i told my sis and she felt bad and realized that she does brush her off often bc she likes her space, but realize that our lil ole' lady just wants to feel involved in our lives any kind of way. So she took her out for a mommy- daughter day and my mom loved it, and now she makes a pt every so often to do something with her.

If u can hangin in there, they do so... save the money!

Hi Less, I've been living with my mom since 2002. My dad passed in 1999, the year I graduated from college. I always take that women with me but sometimes that's never enough. When I graduated from college, I stayed with her until 2001, then my sister and I got our own apartment. When my sister's united was activated to go to Bosnia, I moved out of my apartment and stayed with my mom in 2002. I moved back with her because she was flipping out about my sister being gone. I think my mom envies my sister and I being so close but I tell her, you raised us like that. I don't even have that many friends because I had to take my sister everywhere so it was either I had friends or my sister did. Most of my sister friends ended up being my friends too. It's hard to find balance. I'm taking my first cruise in December with my mother. I try to let that be our conversation of all time to keep her from getting mad about stupid stuff. It's just so complicated. My mother is a complicated women. I was dating this guy, he was so wonderful. He was everything I wanted in a man. But he felt that I let my mother affect my decisions with things so we broke up. He'd be over to the house and sometimes she would act the biggest fool. Going off for any little thing. It was so embarassing. He knew I loved Mexican food so one night we went to the grocery store and he cooked dinner for me, but my mother was pissed that he was in "her kitchen" cooking. He was the man of my dreams. The thought still brings me to tears. I don't even date now because of that. We dated in 2006. I was single for 4 years before I met him. Now, I don't even date anymore. I don't even think about it. I'll never let another man meet my mother until we actually think about marriage.

Originally Posted by hillbilly

Me, too.

Wasn't anything to do with food. My mind made me do it!!

Beginning again - the last time. This one will work. Positive thinking.

Hillbilly, where have you been?? I always look forward to seeing you on the board but lately I haven't. I hope all is well with you.

[Clarasassycat]

I can understand exactly where you are coming from. I just got past my TOM and the urge to munch on things I shouldnt was over whelming, just out of habit! I also lived at home with my mom for a short time just over a year ago, imagine 31 years old and having to tell your mom where you are going, who with, AND having her call to "check on you" while your out!
However, I learned you have to come up with "coping mechanisms" to help you through it. Have legal foods that you like to munch on readily available. Also, take a second and remember, the munchng on those things is one of the things that got you were you are today. Make sure you are getting your water, if you arent getting enough, you could "feel" hungry when really your body is just wanting water. Lastly, come to the forums when the urge strikes, post about it. This gives you time to talk about it, see it, think twice, plus the people here have lots of good advice! I had to do this exact thing not long ago when the ice cream monster snuck in on me.
Good luck, you can do it!

[cookiecate]

As a mum I have had to realise that just because my daughter is my daughter we are going to get along. Somehow I always manage to say or do the wrong thing. I don't mean to but I do.

My daughter has a better job than I did. She had a better education than I did and is much better looking than I was.

Her values are different in every way which is as it should be we are after all of a different generation.

However, if we had to live in the same house it would be murder. She would hate me and I am sure I would learn to hate my own child. I see it as her not respecting me and her attitude shows that she thinks I made a terrible job of mothering. She blames me for everything wrong in her life.

I think you should move out give your mum and you some space and only see each other when you have a good reason and something positive to say to each other. Sounds to me as if your poor old mum is just trying to make conversation maybe her life is not as interesting as yours.

As I say I don't believe that you have to like your family and sometimes it is good to be well away from them and when you don't feel like talking don't answer the phone. My son has a different ring tone for everyone so he knows when not to answer.

[Privettewifey]

My mom and I had a stressful relationship. We enjoyed Sundays together though watching Lifetime. It was the only time it seems we didn't fight! When I moved out she would make these big plates for me everyday and we would argue because I didn't want them! She was just trying to help so I didn't have to cook when I got home. Then on July 4th 2005 I came over for the 4th. I was in the closet scamming for food, which she used to give me SUCH a hard time about, and she looked at me and didn't say a word. I was angry at her for looking, she always told me I was eating too much. It hurt because it was the truth I guess. Then I realized that the reason she didn't say anything was because she couldn't. She had gotten so sick without me realizing and I wish she would just talk to me. That was the day I realized my mom was dying. She passed 16 days later and couldn't talk anymore - she was almost in a coma.

Im not saying your mom is an angel, but she is there to love you. She may not be able to help the stubborn personality she has. But today go give her a hug, tell her you love her, then tell her how much she upsets you and that you are sorry. She may not apologize back, but at least you told her your feelings!

[cookiecate]

I do agree that we don't tell people just how we feel. We don't say I love you enough although I think the phrase 'I love you' gets used now like 'Have a nice day' I notice people just say it to end a conversation on the phone it is getting shortened to 'luv you'.

I mean really say to someone 'I love you, I don't always show it, and sometimes you really get on my nerves, but I will always love you'.

However, it is hard. I sometimes want to say 'I love you to my daughter' but then she would say 'No you don't' and would start yet another argument, she says I am not proud of her. She called me a freak once, now I don't know if she meant to look at or I had some freakish way of looking at life.

The truth is we look alike although I have always been fat. She is drop dead gorgeous. I think you have to try and walk in other peoples shoes. Just to see how they might be feeling. The truth is I was not a good mum to her, maybe I should have been her hero and I let her down badly many times.

Give mums a chance you don't get a book on 'How to be a perfect mum' we have to do it with no experience and sometimes without too much advise. I am sure you will be a perfect mother when your time comes or maybe not, my daughter has chosen never to have kids and I think she is probably doing the right thing.

Remember you don't owe your mother anything and she doesn't owe you either, I believe we should all start on a even playing field just show her respect for the fact she is your mum.

I am sorry Privetwifey that your mum has gone. You were so engrossed in your own unhappiness that you didn't notice hers. That unfortunately happens. Don't spend your time regretting, just try and remember the good times you had and always remember we can choose our friends but not our family.

[lesszmore]

Originally Posted by Heiricka

Hi Less, I've been living with my mom since 2002. My dad passed in 1999, the year I graduated from college. I always take that women with me but sometimes that's never enough. When I graduated from college, I stayed with her until 2001, then my sister and I got our own apartment. When my sister's united was activated to go to Bosnia, I moved out of my apartment and stayed with my mom in 2002. I moved back with her because she was flipping out about my sister being gone. I think my mom envies my sister and I being so close but I tell her, you raised us like that. I don't even have that many friends because I had to take my sister everywhere so it was either I had friends or my sister did. Most of my sister friends ended up being my friends too. It's hard to find balance. I'm taking my first cruise in December with my mother. I try to let that be our conversation of all time to keep her from getting mad about stupid stuff. It's just so complicated. My mother is a complicated women. I was dating this guy, he was so wonderful. He was everything I wanted in a man. But he felt that I let my mother affect my decisions with things so we broke up. He'd be over to the house and sometimes she would act the biggest fool. Going off for any little thing. It was so embarassing. He knew I loved Mexican food so one night we went to the grocery store and he cooked dinner for me, but my mother was pissed that he was in "her kitchen" cooking. He was the man of my dreams. The thought still brings me to tears. I don't even date now because of that. We dated in 2006. I was single for 4 years before I met him. Now, I don't even date anymore. I don't even think about it. I'll never let another man meet my mother until we actually think about marriage.

I am so sorry to hear about that losing the man of your dreams and the passin of your dad ..just ready your post i can feel your pain and emotion. Its hard bc u cant let her run /ruin your life, but it is your mom. Sometimes we have to be selfish and do what works for us bc u dont wanna be 40 sitting at home wishing u'd done this and that. Your mom has lived her life and now its time to live yours. Girl l dunno what to say, i'm 4 hrs from my mom.. i love her but i know for a fact i cant live w/her..... i've been outta the house since i was 18 and on my own ever since. I'm here for you if u ever need to talk!

[chinadoll]

Erica, Mom-Daughter relationships can be really hard. I can tell you my story but I don't know if it is helpful or not. Only you can put it into perspective within your family. I can only say that this worked for me.

A long time ago I used to listen to a radio pop psychologist and her one big thing was "the only person whose behavior you can change is your own". It's very pop-psych but it is also true. I was never good enough for my mom. I felt like she saw only my shortcomings. I was nagged every day of my life until the day I decided I would not put up with it any more.

I decided to change my behavior. I would no longer sit and take the criticisms.

I told her I would no longer visit her if it meant she would find fault 24/7. She pulled the "Fine... don't visit your poor old mother" junk but I didn't buy into it. I told her calmly that I love her and i want our time together to be enjoyable but that with all the faultfinding I never get to enjoy her company. I also said that if the nagging hadn't worked for 30 years it was time for her to give it up. I stuck to my guns. The first couple of times I visited and she started in, I left. I invited her to my house (she is better on my turf) instead. When she realized I was grown up enough to mean what I said, she stopped bugging me. And I made a point of telling her how much more I enjoyed spending time with her. We get along fine now. As two adults.

You don't owe your life to your mom. You are not responsible for her happiness. It is nice of you to want to take care of her but not at the expense of your life. Until you choose to live life on your terms you haven't grown up and she won't see you as an adult. You need to be firm if you want behaviors to change. I bet if you show her you are an independent adult she will come around.