Good Morning Day 2!

[Juniper]

Whew, we all made it! Another day under our belts and another lb swiftly on it's was to dissolving into oblivion!

Doesn't it feel great!?

So here's where I'm at today:

Taking pictures is one thing I've never done to chart progress. But I did last night and I am super stoked to see what the differences are every two weeks. I was remembering a bit over a year ago when I was 170 lbs (now I'm at 206). Damn, I looked good at that weight! Then I was hit with a very enlightening thought....I was on the track to losing the weight already, but it was suffering a great loss and heartbreak that I got down to the 170. Then I fell in love shortly after and immediately my weight started to climb. It didn't help that I quit smoking after 14 years of being a smoker, dealt with winter time and the holidays annnnnnnd, my job transferred from a walking 3 miles a day job to standing still all day job. I remember when I got with my fiancee, he so loved my curves and me and was so accepting and it felt soooo good to just not be in pain anymore and to be.....free. Then I had the most enlightening thought I'd ever had with food before....food, to me, = freedom.

When I was a child, food was locked up from me. Not literally with lock and key because the fear instilled in my to never disobey was so strong it wasn't needed. But we were poor and I had a nasty step mom who ruled the roost with silly rules such as, no one eats anything without permission....and, don't ask for permission. Lol! But as I got older, I started sneaking food in my room late at night, buying treats on the sly, eating them once I was alone. It wasn't hoarding and binging, just pure freedom of being able to do what I want, when I want.

I remembered having this fixated thought all through high school. It was that I couldn't wait to be free at 18. I so resented having food held over my head that I developed this recurring image of stuffing my car (that I didn't even have) with Dorito's and all the snacks and food I wanted and driving away into my own world.

By the time I was on my own in my first apartment, when I was 18, I remember food was the one indulgence I could even afford. What it felt like to go to the grocery store and buy what I wanted. To fill my cupboards with all I desired and eat them whenever I wanted. To not worry about the creaking noise a cupboard makes when it opens, lest anyone hear me. No matter how broke I was, I could always afford a $2.00 bag of chips and it could give me hours of entertainment. And at that time, I couldnt afford entertainment otherwise.

I wish I just started playing the guitar then. But I guess even those cost a pretty penny when you barely have two to rub together.

So, I was thinking last night, when looking at some disillusioning pictures of my rumply butt and two large spare tires in my pictures....I thought I had it figured out before, but this revelation. Man. It woke me up last night.

I go through my day today investing more thought into this. I thought I just loved to eat. Now I have finally realized, after 5 years of Atkins learning, what my connection is to the food that keeps my unhealthy.

Time to find a new freedom.