Read at your own risk but please no negative responses I don't need it
Posted October 25th, 2009 at 10:46 AM by Its just me
I feel all alone in this world. While watching the locator I got upset about a mom who just walked away from her daughter for over 30 years.
I need to deal with some child hood issues but when having to confront the mom who turned the other way while stuff was going on and then when I told her about things she said I was lying. I try to forgive her and have even been to hypnosis to forgive her but nothing works.
I dont feel like rehashing 30 years of pain with her and want to move forward. I think alot of this is what is getting in the way of me loosing weight. I think it is why I fail time and time again. When things get tough I start shutting down. I go back into the destructive mode.
If I can see this then why can't I fix it. Why can't I let it go. Why does it bother me that no matter what I do my mother will never be on my side. Why do I let her bother me. She doesn't see it but she is definetly a part of my issues. I don't want to confront her because at her age she won't never see how she has treated me. I know this because just recently we talked about all the things that happened along time ago. And she will always believed I lied about what happened. I didn't lie but since the person that did this to me apologized sincerely and he has since died I don't see why I should bring it up. When we did just touch lightly on it she reminded me of the LIES I told. I don't want to be a right fighter. I know I am telling the truth and that is all that matters or in my eyes should matter. When I was sixteen I did leave the house and got away from all of that. I don't regret it at all and I know it bothers my mom that I did it but I am not sorry. I am glad that the people I told didn't persue it any further cause things actually turned out good without all the cops being involved. I saw the preacher not too long ago and told him I forgave that person in my life and that he needed to too. 30 years ago they handled things differently than they do now. If that would have happened now oh man my life would have been turned upside down and in 3 directions.
I have worked hard at trying to build a relationship with her but at a drop of the hat any time she can go against me she does. Any time she can stand behind someone else then she will. You would think after all this time I could put it where it needs to go and make it stay there. "
I have had counseling and the things they told me to do helped but after 30 years I feel like it is standing in my way of me moving forward and then if that wasn't enough I am afraid loosing weight will draw attention to myself. That if I somehow manage to drop the weight then I will be a victim again.
God I am so screwed up.
Will I ever get over my child hood. I don't want to play the victim anymore. I don't want to use this as a crutch. Somehow I have to work through these issues.
I think my hubby has think I have went crazy. He found some plans I had made of how much we needed to finance if were able to buy this log cabin I wanted. He ask me why I was taking his guns and changing the locks. I laughed for about 30 minutes and he was furious. I ask where he found that and he showed me a tablet. And when he found out it was just a budget analysis for the house he laughed too. There is times I still want to bolt. I am not for sure what I am going to do about him but he is not even an issue right now with me having to deal with my past. I do love him and believe it or not he is trying to change.
So now I am going to work on this other issue of some how getting past it.
The grand kids are doing great. Driving me nuts at times but at other times they are the light of my day. We are struggling finiancially but I am going to contact the attorney generals office here in Texas and start the process of making the parents pay.
I hope by documenting this I will soon be able to jump this hurdle.
I am going to start induction on November 1st. Right now money is tight and I have to wait till pay day to get the proper foods.
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Comments
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Just wanted to offer you a virtual hug and to say that I'm listening. I'm also wondering if we're half-sisters because your mom sounds a LOT like mine LOL Atkins is about the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm glad you're posting here.
Posted October 26th, 2009 at 05:06 PM by Suzanne_H
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Thank you for responding positively. I know when I put stuff out there I opening my self up for all kinds of comments but I feel it is helping me so much. And atkins is also the best thing I could have ever found for me. Thank you again.Posted October 26th, 2009 at 10:01 PM by Its just me 
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Hey, you want another sister? Count me in! sending you a HUMONGO hug right now girl. Maybe it's something in the water that Texas mothers drank while they were preggers with us. I think you've hit on your trigger and now you can begin to fix it. Or at least duct tape it
Mothers are SO frustrating. I decided that I would be the one to dictate how much involvement I let my mom have with my life. They LOVE denial for some reason. As long as WE know the truth, nothing else matters. I finally just let it go, and let her go too. We still interact, but only on MY terms and I steer the conversations. I call her out if she gets all goofy and backpeddling.... but I have put my hoof down. It's not written anywhere that we MUST love our mothers., although I do find it mandatory that we love OURSELVES. Muah. You're on the right road. Glad that hubby is making an attempt at changing. Just like Texas women, Texas men are stubborn as longhorns
Keep posting girl, we will all make it through this together! xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoPosted October 28th, 2009 at 08:34 AM by funkytofabs? -
ItsJustMe...forgiveness is hard. I know what you mean. Without going into great detail I had one of those abusive, compulsive-lying, drug addicted fathers who my mother ran from (taking me with her). He spent most of my childhood popping in and out of my life, lying, promising, and disappearing and it created unbelievable amounts of emotional trauma (hello fear of abandonment and the need for male attention). It took me a long time to realize that I didn't need that in my life and I could choose how to deal with him. I chose to cut him out..but it also meant cutting ties with my brothers and sisters and that entire side of the family. But my sanity and self-respect was more important. It took abother 10 years after that before I learned how to forgive him.
I know I am going to sound really fruity and hippy when I say this but I couldn't have learned to truly forgive him without forgiving myself first, and with the help of my spirit guide. Through meditation and guidance I came to realize that he was imperfect and would never change and it was more important for me to forgive him for not being what I wanted him to be rather than him wanting to be forgiven. I did it slowly...I forgave little things first and worked to the big ones.
I know, it may sound cruel to cut a parent out of your life but sometimes you have to do it to save yourself. The only one victimizing you right now is you! You are allowing her to do to you what she's been doing to you over and over again. Yes, you need to forgive her, but you don't need to allow her free reign over your emotions. Yes, people will think you cruel and heartless, cold and even a b*^&h for cutting her out of your life but you HAVE to protect yourself. Its your life. You need to do this for you AND your grandbabies. They deserve the best YOU possible. Teach them through example that it is NOT ok to put up with this, that they can stand up for themselves against their parents if they need to, that THEM being healthy and happy is the most important thing.
Definitely keep posting here sweety, keep trying. You can do this. It can be done, piece by piece. We are here for you hun!Posted October 28th, 2009 at 09:02 AM by bellajgw - I do cut the family out and friends that hurt me out and will be distant but my brother is dyeing with cancer and I don't want to regret not being around them. And as for mom she is 70 years old and is now forgetting things and after a while she just acts like nothing happened. It is hard to deal with things with her as it is but the forgetting is starting to get to me. So far she can remember short term things so I don't think it is alzhiemers and she remembers what she wants. I have already lost one brother to cancer so this is hard on all of us but I am not excusing her behavior. I do realize that this will be an issue I have to resolve with in my self and now as of this week my daughter whom has dealt me all kinds of crap and I am raising all 3 of her children.
I was told things she has said about me and my husband. This isn't the first time I have heard this but the lies she tells so people will feel sorry for her. She has been openly playing the victim for 11 years now. I am at a loss as to how to handle when people tell me what she has told them. I dont have control over this issue so I can't fix it she has to do that herself. She dont see she has issues.
My youngest daughter is mad at me because she was going to have an abortion (she had ask me not to tell her dad but she was having a hard time dealing with it but I told her I wouldnt say anything) and I live 8 hours away and was concerned for her mental well being and expressed that to my middle daughter and she asked for the phone number to her dads cause that where she lives and she called him.. I am not sorry about her calling but I am glad her dad was there for her. But she feels I betrayed her. So I have been ousted for life from her life she says it is forever but I hope it ain't. I apologized to her but I wasnt sorry for not stopping my daughter from calling him.
See I told you I am messed up. I need to fix me and not worry with no one else.Posted October 29th, 2009 at 05:53 AM by Its just me
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