Confessions of a Backslider

[SunnySmile501]

When I started Atkins on September 15, 2005, I decided to make it a lifestyle change and not a diet. That meant I had to change nearly all of my eating habits, along with changing the foods that I ate.

I kept a food diary for over two years, logging the time I ate each meal or snack, as well as everything I put in my mouth; from food to coffee, tea and water. I had breakfast before 9:00 a.m. and dinner before 7:00 p.m. and nothing after. I ate nothing except at the table. Those new habits became ingrained as I lost well over 100 pounds in less than a year.

Fast forward to this summer: I started writing a low carb cookbook/how-to book. I grew a big garden and planned to put up as much produce as I could. Did I mention that I am disabled with a horrible disorder called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy? Summer is my worst time for RSD flares. I was also a moderator here at ADBB.

Soon, it seemed that all I did was think or talk about food. I was cooking all kinds of test recipes and consuming them myself, since I live alone. I was eating so many foods that I would normally consider “treat” foods or holiday foods, even though they were low carb, they were too rich. I felt a little better when I read on Dana Carpendar’s blog that she went from a size 12 to a size 16 when she was writing her first low-carb cookbook. I was eating low carb and gaining weight like crazy.

I was spending hours on ADBB giving advice about food. I read recipes in cookbooks and online non-stop. Reading about foods made me want to get up and EAT those foods, even if I wasn’t hungry! I’m an addict, plain and simple. Soon I was eating late into the evening and not at the table.

I haven't been so much off track food wise as I have been totally off as to when and how much food I eat at the wrong time. Then, while I was canning and processing food every day, gardening and working on the cookbook, while in the midst of a huge RSD flare, I stopped keeping track. I was too busy to stop to eat, then I was in so much pain, I was having to eat in bed with my limbs propped.

How quickly we backslide into old patterns. I started staying in bed really late, breakfast being after noon most days, and then eating late and eating non-stop after I went to bed to read.
At first I made myself stay at the table to eat, but soon I was taking it back to bed with me. I started having acid reflux again after none at all since 2005. I was right back to the eating habits that pushed me to nearly 300 pounds.

Back at the first of October, I stopped cooking so many test recipes, which I had to eat, and stopped working on the cookbook, because always being involved with food made me want to eat even when not hungry. I also felt that keeping a food diary and participating on the Atkins forum made me think too much about food. When someone mentioned something good to eat, I wanted to go eat it right then. I love Atkins food way too much.

I decided I could stop keeping track of my food diary and just eat low carb, retaining my new habits. What a joke! I did well for a few days, then it was back to my old habits, just like the food junkie that I am.

I weighed for the last time on October 7th and not again until December 22nd. During that time I ate very little off plan foods--just way too much at the wrong times. I had about 10 days where I ate completely off plan and too much, but was shocked when I had gained 41 pounds in 76 days!

This whole time I was busier than a one-armed paper hanger, with multiple choir practices and programs at church. I needed to look nice for these performances, but I just kept gaining weight. I can’t sing if I eat within several hours before, so I would get home at 10:00 p.m. starved. Once I started eating, I couldn’t stop.

I swore when I donated my fat clothes that I would never buy any bigger sizes. For the Cantata on December 14th, I had to buy a long black skirt and a black sweater. I could not wear anything in my closet!

I have been back on track since before Christmas, but the weight is coming back off at a snail’s pace, as opposed to how quickly it piled on.

What’s the moral to this story? I will always be a food addict. I will always have to keep my food diary and maintain my rules for eating. Even years of towing the line can be blown out of the water by allowing myself to rest on my laurels.

Hello, my name is Sunny and I am an addict. I will never have a “normal” relationship with food. Right now as I write this confession, I want to go to the fridge to put something in my mouth. I’m not giving in, but it is a struggle.

[misplaced southerner]

awww sunny i am so sad you've been through so much the last few months! i don't know HOW you gals who love to cook manage...thankfully ernie is the chef at my house and it makes it so much easier for me. i hope you are feeling pain free. you are brave to post your story. something that has happened to lots of folks and can EASILY happen to the rest of us. but we're behind you friend while you work to lost those pounds again and you know you will. habits are terrible aren't they? i am proud of you for coming here and fessin' up and i KNOW you will get all the support you need to get right back to where you were. you have been and will always be a great role model for this way of life!!

[cgdat136]

sunny......how are you

i am gonna need to lean on you from time to time for advice, information and motivation. you are like a mentor to me

no more backsliding because i am back and need your help!!!

[OzLover]

I want to come on down to your place & give you a big ole hug The bottem line is the addiction. I'm glad you felt like you could share with your ADBB family. I'm right here cheering you on & offering my love & support.

P.S.~~~I've really missed you!

[Bluebelt2007]

What a great post Sunny. I'm sorry you had to go through it all, but it speaks volumes to why so many people are here in the first place.

I know (as most everyone here does), that Atkins works. However, must of us are over weight for many reasons. 1-Addiction to Carbs but 2-Our long term poor/bad relationship we have all developed with food (Addiction/Poor decision making). I think your post is a great reminder to all of us, that while we need to change or WOE we also need to work on the mental side of things of how and why we got here in the first place.

Thanks so much for the honest and important message you have given us all.

[Chicklady]

welcome back Sunny I too am an addict. I think Fitday and I will always be joined at the hip I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but i'm glad you came back to us

[blueberrylady]

Hi Sunny. Your bravery in the face of your addiction and affliction is admirable and an inspiration to all of us. I wish you the strength to get back to where you want to be and the power to face your demons and win. God bless you!

[clogger]

Sunny, thanks for your candid honesty! I'm sorry things have been tough for you in the last few months . A lot of people think Atkins is a "quick fix" and not a way of life. There are ups and downs and stories like this are good reminders to all of us who have food issues to always remain vigilant.

You are such and inspiration to me and you have so much knowledge to share. Thanks for being such a valuable ADBB member.