I need dating advice from you wonderful ladies

[JohnSantos]

I started online dating again since I'm losing weight and looking better. If a girl messages me more than 3 times on the site, I get her phone number about 80% of the time. Then comes the weird part ...

My ability to build sexual tension on the phone is unparalleled. I can make women laugh, giggle, talk for hours about anything. They all say they've never spoken to anyone like me, then will text msg my phone 4x a day and frequently call back. When I tell them all about me, they'll claim that's the perfect man they're looking for, etc. Trying to hang up from a conversation is challenging, and I normally get a text msg saying how much they enjoyed talking to me about 30 seconds after I do.

My first date turnaround from the phone is 100%. I could say "meet me at Walmart at 2am for our date", and they'd probably still come. I've had some literally cancel all their plans for the day so I'd have their full attention for it. They show up decked out in very attractive outfits, and always early. I've had ZERO first date cancellations, ever.

NOW ...

Nobody feels a romantic connection with me on a date. I need serious help. I've not yet ever gotten a second date. My social skills in person are amazing, in fact at work everybody knows me by name, they all get excited to see me, and their face lights up when I come around. During my anniversary party at work, most times which maybe 10 people will show up for ... I had over 50 at mine. When going out to happy hour from work, women there buy me drinks.

Now I work at home, with nobody around - so online dating is one of my few options.

My first dates are FUN. Last night I had dinner with this girl, then we wandered the mall, and ended up playing catch across one store with a soccer ball. Laughing at old school Nintendo games, hit the pet store talking about casual stuff, some deep conversation continuation from the phone. Then I reach for her hand, and I get the cold, clammy dead-fish hand.

Zero interest.
Epic fail.

This morning I text her about giving me mixed signals last night, she replies "Like hanging with you, but no romantic interest". The same girl that I told "call me between 6 and 7", she calls 1 second after 6pm excited to talk.

So now I have yet another friend to add to my list of 45,000 women friends. And still no girlfriend.

What am I doing wrong? Just bad luck? I realize attraction isn't a choice, but I'm confused. They SEE my personality on the phone, they SEE several pics of me on the site. They KNOW who I am, and what they're getting long before we meet. Their attraction on the phone is completely out of control then I got nothing in person, even though it's the same ME.

How do I fix this?

[liv]

You sure sound wonderful John. And I agree even on web you are a very personable guy so I get what you are saying.
I hope you get some advice.
My first thought was perhaps ask one of these women what happened. Tell them you are having this issue and you really would like know what their impressions were of the first date. Be prepared for the kind of answer you may get.
My second thought: you're moving too quickly. Maybe the women need more time to adjust.
My third thought: Try to meet women in different ways too. Maybe join a club, gym, church etc and get to know some and then ask one out. Maybe it will work out better that way.
My last thought: The right one has not appeared yet. But she is out there

[keriann_forgoodthistime]

I agree with Liv's third thought. Try to meet women in different ways.
From someone who spent YEARS of trying to meet "mr. right" online (usually through match.com) - I honestly didn't meet him until I was dancing with him at a bar!
Yup - DH and I met at a dance club. We were both a bit drunk (lol) - but it was all about the physical attraction at first and THEN we got to know each other.
And - (don't tell him I said this) I absolutely LOVE him more than anything in the world but...he has a beer gut! he's got a small waist but a decent beer belly - plus he's also got scoliosis and walks with a very slight limp - and can't stand up as straight as most people - but I got over that as I got to know him and I've come to love him more than any man I've ever known.

All the guys I met online - we'd have exactly what you're describing - a great couple of days emailing/talking on the phone - a really fun first date - but then I'd meet the guy and realize that in person I just wasn't "romantically interested". And I think - for me - the problem was, even though I'd obviously seen their picture - I had a completely different idea of what they'd look like when I met them and they just never held up to the standards I'd envisioned. I wanted him to be "perfect" and to me he just never was.

I'm not saying that's right by ANY means - I'm just saying, in general, that's usually how it happened...

I know it's a lot easier said than done - and it sounds like you really know what you're looking for - but (and believe me, when I was single I would want to STRANGLE people who said this to me...) but honest to god - it's when you stop looking that love literally finds you.


and it's funny - I HAD dated a "perfect" blond haired - blue eyed - very fit guy once (which is the type of guy I always envisioned myself with) - and it was the absolute WORST relationship EVER. (he decided his cocaine habit was more important than me).

The night I met DH - I had gone out dancing with a girlfriend and we'd made a pact to just go out and have a good time and NOT look for any guys that night. I'd just gotten over a few realllllllly bad dates (couldn't even call them relationships) plus I was still getting over one from earlier in that year (the blond-haired blue-eyed one) and finally decided to say "screw it - men aren't worth it" and decided I was going to just concentrate on other things in my life at that time. PLUS at the end of the night - when we were ready to go home - he asked me if I wanted his phone number. I knew that if I'd have taken it - I would have called the next day and probably pushed WAY to hard and scared him away...
So I lied and said I didn't have my phone on me - but if he wanted my number I'd give it to him - so I did (obviously) and he called me that next Thursday (it was a saturday we went out).

Plus - while we were getting to know each other at first, I literally had to MAKE myself tell him no a few times when he'd want me to come over just so I wouldn't seem so needy (not that I'm saying you are, by any means, as obviously I don't know you ) but I knew that I was that type of person.

It was very hard at first - but it was so worth it.

So I guess what I'm saying (and again I'm sure you've heard this over and over) - she IS out there. The one who WILL love you for everything you have to offer AND she'll think you're the most gorgeous man on the planet (as I constantly tell DH he is, lol) - but I guess my advice is to just "go with the flow" and not try so hard. And this is coming from someone who used to be the kind of girl who would have done ANYTHING to find a guy at the moment instead of doing the right thing and just letting it happen.

As far as meeting girls - join clubs - maybe join a bowling club? find something in your community you can volunteer at? Get yourself out there.

i read your other post (and left a message there too) about why you know you can't live obese anymore - and you are absolutely INCREDIBLE for #1 the amount of weight you've lost and the amount you'll lose - because you KNOW how you want to live your life and you're doing it. you're NOT afraid to go out anymore - and that's just it - get yourself out there and she WILL eventually find you.

I wish you all the luck and love in the world!

[MelTin]

She gave you good advice. You have to get them drunk. lol

[RitaCeleste]

Okay, but what was so great about the women that didn't workout? I mean, were you honestly more attracted to them? What did you see in them to begin with? Its corny, but the right people have chemistry going for them. The other people end up being a waste of time for one reason or another, they rarely bother to work things out as time goes on. Sometimes meeting people face to face first might workout better. Maybe the women feel pressured because you are putting out such an effort. Maybe they are more into dinner and video and feel like seeing you relaxed, not a super planned date. When you meet the right woman, it won't matter so much what you do as long as you are together.

The man I fell in love with was a super-cheap dater. We were young though. He's still not that socially skilled or anything. But the chemistry was there and we put up and worked around all kinds of things to be together including a divorce. Yes, we are divorced and still seeing eachother! We might not be good married but we don't want anyone else. Sometimes its totally messed up who fate has planned for you! Keep getting out there looking though.

[IrishIrish]

I know it is old fashioned to think this way, but don't expect the hand holding, romance or anything but developing friendship on your first couple of meetings with the women. It takes the pressure off from both of you. When it is right, you will know it. In the meantime, you will learn more and more to identify what you want in a woman rather than just someone who responds.