Feeling helpless and depressed

[7074]

Hi everyone

I don't know who or where to go so here I am. Depression is nothing new to me nor is helplessness. Each time I deal with these things, undereating and over exercising seem to do the trick for me because they make me lose weight and then (at least while i'm losing) I'm happy. Each time I've acheived goal though, i reach there and i find that i'm still feeling depressed and deprived so slowly the binge eating demons come back in and i get back to my old heaviest weight or even heavier.

My last effort, a few weeks ago, i started exercising again and before long i was doing 3 hours a day. The eating started off OK but got worse- It seemed like my body craved sugar so before long i was eating 8 and 9 atkins bars, cans of diet coke and any low/ no carb products (lollies etc) i could get. I ignored all this because for a week or two i was still able to lose some weight (because of the extreme exercise) but then i got a realtively serious calf injury which had me out for 5 days.

Now its been 10 days and my injury is gone but i haven't gone back to any exercise. Food is still the same, i'm eating the artificial sugars (and eat more and more of it each day despite feeling so sick and getting cramps etc). Seems like the only think i look forward to is the sugar hit i get. Things are bad at home with my husband because i'm so down and he doesn't know how to handle it either so we just argue all the time.

I've tried counselling, hypnotherapy etc etc but nothing seems to work. I've been in therapy for years and still can't get it right.....i feel so very very depressed and lost. Medication hasn't worked, talking doesn't do anything and it seems like i'm not willing to let go of my sugar addiction despite knowing of all the health problems it creates now and can create in the future.

I'm lost and don't know what to do- i just want to crawl up and hide/ die etc although i'd never have the ability to do so.....my faith in God stops me even though i feel so distant from him right now.

I don't know what i was looking for when writing this, i don't know what answers there are nor if there are any answers left i guess i just wanted to vent and type to someone- someone who unlike my family and husband, won't fight back and say (hopefully not) hurtful things and angry things.

Anyway- enough from me for now....thank you for listening....

take care everyone.....

[Buddrfly]

I know how ya feel. I've been a worry wort for as long as I could remember! My mother had a heart attack/stroke combo in 2001, while we were in the middle of buying a house. I was in college and on the provost's/dean's list. I had to withdraw, because she could not work anymore. This depressed her, which in turn worried me. She felt bad/guilty about me quitting school to take care of us both, so she packed up and moved back to my hometown in hopes that I would be able to get back into school and continue my education. I made a surprise trip home for New Year's 2002, only to find that her living conditions were unreal! My mother, a single mother, had worked and took great care of me all my life. No matter what the income, she never, NEVER settled for taking the welfare route. I grew up watching her struggle and hustle (meaning constantly work a legit job) to make ends meet. To see how she was living truly hurt my heart. So many phone calls between us, so many times I'd asked her how she was, and out of all those times not once did she honestly tell me what was going on or where/how she was living. It was a building that used to be a Lodge, 1 power line connecting the building to the main power line, turn on more than 1 of anything electrical and the power was knocked completely out! There was a bee hive in back, in the kitchen wall with an opening that was just big enough for the bees to trickle inside every now and then....She had it set up like a loft apartment..it actually looked very nice on the inside, but there was no central air or heat, and there was a huge hole thru the entire roof, where there had been a cave-in during a thunderstorm...That hole was covered on the outside with nothing more than a huge tarp. All I could do was cry in disbelief. I called back here and explained to my boss that I would not be coming back! That was on a Friday, I tested for a job on Monday, got hired on Tuesday, and started work the following Monday. It took me 3 months to get us out of that place, and I promised myself that I would never live like that again. I took care of my mother from Jan of 2002 until October of 2007, when she was finally awarded her disability after 6 years of trying. I'll be 27years old this year--she'll be 51. I spent 4 of those 6 years in a place that I did not want to be in, taking care of my mother and myself on a salary of $1399 a month, but I'd rather be there and know that she was taken care of, than be here and be in the dark about everything. It didn't take long for depression to set in, and before I knew it I had gained more than 70lbs! My mother's health worsened and she ended up having Triple Bypass surgery and 4 stints. While she was having the surgery, my father was here in Dallas in a coma. He was attacked May12th, coming home from work, head bashed in, nothing taken, and left for dead. He was on life support for a while, they kept trying to pressure me into telling them to pull the plug on him, and when I wouldn't they threatened to form an ethics committee and make the decision themselves...That's what they did.. they pulled the plug and he started breathing on his own. He got tired of fighting August 20th and finally went home. So, my mother was in the hospital haveing heart surgery, my father was in a coma-near death, I'm extremely depressed, overweight, and clueless as to how to handle all of this at 23 yrs of age. Prayer, faith, and determination are the things that saved me. My mother, at 51, has had 4 heart attacks (most recent last week), 2 strokes, and Angioplasty, Triple Bypass, a total of 6 stints, fauceted degenerative disc desease, and the list goes on and on! It blew my mind that it would take 6 years for the Social Security Administration to find her situation favorable. I promised her that I'd stay there until she got either an apartment or disability..which ever came first. I stayed, she got her apartment August 2005, I applied for a better paying job, got hired, moved back to Dallas..and as a result my salary increased 3 x's that $1399 I was making before. I was able to live here and still help her by paying her bills and sending her money to help with medications and extras. In October 2007, I was on my way to work, when she called and told me they'd approved her for disability! I cried for almost 2 hours..not sad tears, but tears of joy. Mostly happy for her..she'd worked from the time she was 14 years old up until having a heart attack and stroked combined. All of those of giving of herself, and it took 6 years for somone to actually give a damn!

These days, my worries are not nearly as huge as they were before. The biggest things I have to worry about now are planning my upcoming wedding/christening/honeymoon, getting my mother back here to stay, and taking good care of my baby girl. There was a time when we had to resort to going to a church to help us with food, and now I don't even look at the prices of most things when I go to grocery shop Blessings are really something else.

Sorry to ramble..had another how I feel moment! LOL I hope things get better for you...I pray that thing get better for you. It's hard to get weight off, but it's really hard when you've got everything else in the world around you going on!

I'll be praying for ya

[7074]

Hi iyashiaf

Thank you for taking the time to write and for sharing your experiences with me. I have to admit, I was left with my mouth wide open reading about your story. It sounds like you have been through so much. I can't imagine what that would have been like. What I can also see however is that you are resilient and that you never ever give up. I can see that in how you coped with everything and also in where you are today. You have come so far and you owe that to your own sense of survival and persistence as well as to the Lord above. You came through so many hardships and now to have a beautiful baby girl and to be as healthy as you are, working in a good job etc, you and God have been a great team I'm pleased for you and sincerely wish you all the best as ypu try and get your mum over to Dallas and do other things you have been wanting to.

My biggest worry right now is my eight, health and problems that stem from all of that. I know that it could be a lot worse…..i've been through a lot worse and I guess that is why I'm so down now. I don't feel I have anything left. I've had to fight a lot before, domestic violence, an eating disorder, mental/ emotional abuse and other stuff and I find I have nothing left to fight this. I've tried and lost the weight but then gained it back and this has happened several times because I've always done things to the extreme. I over discipline and then overindulge and so it goes.

I guess you can say I have trouble with moderation and now when I should be trying to address my 'extreme' issues and be moderate, I've lost the will and patience. I know that that is where God should come into it- he renews us and gives us the strength to handle what comes our way, but as I said before, I feel I have let him down with what I have done in the past and now and so I feel I don't deserve his intervention.

Anyway, I'm rambling on now….i'm sure you get what I'm talking about so I'll stop here. Thank you for your prayers, I will definetely keep you and everyone else here in mine. Once again, I am grateful that you wrote to me.

By the way, you and your little ray of sunshine are absolutely gorgeous ))

Have a wonderful day/ night (whatever it is in Dallas- I say that because I'm in Australia)

Hugs

Deb

[Buddrfly]

Hey Deb,

It really is hard to stay focused and on plan when so much is going on! My food addiction, had me feeling the same way you feel now.....I knew that I was better than that addiction, and that it was up to me and me alone to make sure that I changed my life for life...you can do this...don't be so hard on yourself--I'm also my worst critic...I've gone thru considering taking up an eating disorder, just to have the weight loss journey over with already. I had to sit back and really take everything in...would that help me in long run, or hurt me? I realized that it would have created tons of extra problems that I just didn't need. We are rewarded most, when we want to give up, but we stick it out and handle our business. It's never easy, nothing truly worth accomplishing ever is...but think of it this way....when it's all said and done, you'll be able to hold your head high, glance at a healthier, happier, thinner, more confident you and be proud of yourself for making it happen the right way, for you, for life.

I honestly don't mind discussing this with you, because I know how it is, boy do I! There's nothing like being in a lonely place thinking that no one cares or understands, and feeling like the only one that's there for you is YOU. Well, you dont have that problem, as long you come here. If you have a question, PM me...If I don't have an answer, I'll research my resources until I can come up with one. Just please dont give up on yourself--it'll only make you feel worse.

Anytime,
Iyshia

[Carb Addict]

Dr. Phil says that you cannot change what we do not acknowledge. You are very brave to be so honest and transparent. This is a critical first step. Depression is nothing to dismiss. You are your best advocate and must do what you can to live a quality life. There are no quick fixes but rather step by step and day by day you must claim back the territory. My husband is a life coach and I too have battled depression. I am just blessed to be able to talk to him daily and he helps me greatly with perspective and what is reality and what is just my feelings. Don't rely on your feelings as they are just feelings and tend to blow like the wind. I would encourage you to make mini goals with your life and your weight and celebrate each success to the hilt. Enjoy each moment as they come. You are worth it and need to remind yourself of your worth every day!!

[Satans_Chipmunk]

7074,

It sounds like you've got issues with OCD and extremism. I feel a lot of the way you do and the only thing I focus on now is the really big stuff. My therapist finally got me to just forgive myself for everything I was blaming myself for. I'm 40, almost, and I've been blaming myself for my mother's murder since I was 7. I felt like I'd betrayed her in some way for not protecting her. Well, anyone sane could see it wasn't even remotely my fault, but due to my faulty mental wiring, I carried guilt and shame around from that for decades. Not just her death, but the other deaths of close loved ones too. I have been a workhorse when it comes to carrying the guilt and shame of my family. Sadly, 99% of it has been needless.
Today, I'm off the anti-depressants and out of therapy. All of my own choosing, but out none the less. I feel about 80% great. The rest will come when I'm happy with my physical and financial self. I found, atleast within me, that I could moderate most of it once I forgave myself and let all of my past go. It took a LOT of therapy, including intensive outpatient therapy, but I feel emotionally better than I have in years. Possibly better than ever.
Forgive yourself. Carrying the past doesn't do anything but make you tired and weary. You can't change it. Let it go and you'll free yourself. Baby steps =o)