Despair, weight, problems.

[Mistics]

5th of March, 2008.
I first tried Atkins when it was winter 2005. I've never been FAT, in a meaning to have a huge obesity. The max unwanted weight has always been ~10kg, to feel good about myself. 15kg - ideal weight. 3 years back, I bought the book, by accident, saw it really cheap and all I needed was to see "diet" written on to buy it. Came home, read it all. Decided to start the diet, seemed easy - seemed like sun to black days. Being on diet wasn't hard. I had been on low calorie diet before that, for some ~1 1/2 years. I was only 15 back then, eating grains, fruits, vegetables. I'm even surprised now how could I hold so long without eating a single sweet, neither meat or fish. I didn't lose a single pound, none. I've never been too fat, but always a bit of fat on belly, legs, here and there. Being in school between so many thin people was a nightmare, looking at skinny legs & such small tummies. I was ashamed of being overweight. I feel sad remembering it, but when I was back in school, all girls had to dress for sports lesson - and I always went into toilets, locked myself in and changed my clothes. If I couldn't change them there - I just didn't go to the lesson. I don't know where such embarassment came from, but I just couldn't let others see me not being all fit and nice. Aside that, I couldn't even stand half dressed in front of my family, didn't want them to see fat on my legs (even if they have weight problems too). I always thought that my character and attitude doesn't go well with being fat, so I managed to hide it with baggy clothes & other tricks of fashion. I started feeling like this since I was 12. I couldn't even change clothes normally when spent night with best friends, always slept in pants. Thought - what would they think if saw my fat tights. I really think there is NOTHING to be ashamed for if you're fat, we're all people - nobody's perfect. Still, I am ashamed. I could never get over if people thought I am fat or described my body as fat. I am over 18 now. I'm still struggling with weight, haven't lost anything. Only gained. If I was someone else - I'd happily lose weight with starving, well, unfortunately I'm smart enough NOT to do that and better choose another solution. Sometimes I just can't anymore. I've gone through horrible hate against myself, depression, tears, anger, despair, being jealous, sickness, pain, fear, embarassment and who knows what else feelings. Often I feel like I will just stop breathing someday for how MUCH these 15kg are eating me from inside. I want to puke, I want to scream, I want to yell - I JUST CAN'T force myself to lose them. I know there are hundreds of people who have BIG weight problems and they'd laugh about mine, but if you're young and the way you look means who you are - then it's a real pain if you cannot be perfect. Of course, weight is not my only problem - I could start counting that I don't like my big feet, nose, ears, really bad skin and many, many others. It's just that if I lost those pounds that are strangling me - I'd feel A LOT happier in life. All these years, all this hate, all this trying and always failing .. I have fallen in deep emotion problems. Psychological perhaps, moral? I don't know. I suffer from horrible anxiety, my mood can change from the happiest person on earth to the angry girl in 2 minutes. My mood changes all day long. My nerves are broken. I suffer from emotional stress. Another thing I've noticed that - when I am at home - I could spend all day crying about my problems and hating my weight, but when I go out - I always have my head up, smile & I'm absoultely another person, I don't seem to care about my problems, I feel somehow 'better' than other people. I don't know the explanation of this. I don't know why am I writing this long post and I am not waiting people to answer, I simply needed to write how I feel somewhere. These even aren't the worst things about my diet struggle, I fear to talk about how many insane things I've done in the name of that. When I started writing - I felt really bad, now I feel quite ok, good mood. I haven't been able to keep a boyfriend for longer than some months and all the time with horrible fights and rude words every second day. Why? Because of my non-stop problems, thinking about my weight and whining about life. When my first bf told me he loves me really deep, he can't live without me and I give him feelings that no girl ever gave him - I decided to leave him, because I thought he actually doesn't like me and he's being sympathetic to my problems. Second bf was similar to first one, he kept spending hours with me, putting in my head that I AM pretty, I am NOT fat and that he loves me so much. I just couldn't accept it, I always thought he is lying. When he said he likes my weight - I just hated him even more. This is not about love, going back to topic. Well, why Atkins? Because it's the only diet that seems to work. I haven't been able to lose more than 4 pounds on Atkins in the time of 3 years, but I know it works. First 14 weeks were a kid's play, so easy, without any problems, BUT, the problem was that then I ate things like cottage cheeses, sausages & some other things that may have been the trigger keys on NOT losing. So, haven't lost anything, always feeling hungry and sad - I didn't continue after those 14 days. Then I understood what my problem was & decided to go for a clean, correct diet plan! And THAT'S where I fell in, always with this thought "I will start tomorrow, ok next week DEFINITELY, ok on holidays, before summer - so I can finally swim in sea (as I didn't do it before cause of my weight), before university - to look good at 1st day, on Christmas, after Christmas and SO ON. I always found an excuse to start later. Months, weeks, days and here I AM! I could have been done with my weight LONG AGO, but no, 3 years of nothing. This year, September of 2007th, that is, I decided to START finally! And couldn't stick on it all the time till January. I always spent day on Atkins, next day came home - and thought, what the ****, and just ate and ate, and ate, and ate and after that thought - I stopped diet cause of these 10 MINUTES OF OVEREATING? Then I glued these sticknotes everwhere with things like "nothing tastes as good as thin feels" written on. Well, in fact, they don't help. I've always thought that - if I want to cheat then I HAVE to look for some pictures with fit people and how nice lives they have and THEN I would change my decision to cheat. What I found out was that I'd look at these pictures while eating burger & drinking sugar drinks and thinking "yeah, that girl looks fantastic, pity I am such a loser", and then continue eating. January, well, I somehow made myself to start the diet again, drank A LOT of water, felt +/- hungry, food was ok. 4 days absolutely cheat free. 5th day, had Induction flu (a bad one), was in some lectures in University, my closest friends new that I am on Atkins and that this was my day 5th, what happened was that I kept asking them "Ok, let's go to cafe now? Are you hungry? Let's have an ice cream?". And then I went, bought loads of sweets, juice & some more. Started eating, a friend said "stop, you are on diet .. we wanted to see results, please don't eat?" and I felt so bad that they see me eating all that, me being so weak. Then 3 days off Atkins, then 3 days again back on, then off, then on, then off, then on. I'm not sure if my body still understands what's 'normal'. I haven't had a dr's visit, but I feel like I am having stomach problems. My tummy always makes loud noises, even when I am not hungry - that sound is so bad that I am embarassed to go to lectures for a test, I can't start making such sounds as if I had a car inside me during test & silence. I'm not sure what could it be. I mean, stomach always working and sounding. I really don't know, but I can't continue like that. I always feel like my head has been shaked, want to puke often, have no strength at all. I'm not sure if Atkins will still work after all these tries. I often ask myself - why Atkins? Well, I simply haven't been able to find any else such good diet. But I have no willpower to stick on it, I always feel hungry, I always fear that water will kill my kidneys, always fear that I will ...

Enough of writing. Atkins is truly the best diet I have ever found. I just wish I could stick to it, lose those 15kg that are making me feel dead and start a decent life. Sometimes I think I'd better die than be fat, but I couldn't - I'm too scared of death. This sounds sick. I don't know why I post it here, why I EVEN post it. I just feel so bad about my weight that I don't know what can I do and what can I love in my life if I see no good sides in anything.

[shari_dawn]

Please stick with it. The rewards are so numerous. You can do it. You just have to make the choice to do it and do it right. Once you get through those cravings its amazingly easy. Its your choice to take off those few extra pounds now or wait until you are more overweight when its harder to make the changes. Its up to you.

[Mistics]

I don't know ..
Haven't felt so bad for long. Every day it's getting worse. Clinical depression. Maybe. I've been here all the time. Maybe it's just stress, maybe I have hypochondria, but one thing is sure - it feels so bad. Yesterday, woke up sleepy, usual, had day in University. Came home, had some alcoholic drinks (yes, I am off diet, I have been trying to get on track since September and I can't .. just can't) and felt VERY good, danced, laughed, felt like hyper-active and ready for anything. After some hour mood was going down, like I'd be slowly falling asleep. Then came anger, I started yelling at people, hating people. Some random man, we've been knowing each other on internet for long, asked me if I could send him another picture of myself - and I got so paranoid, and angry, and rageful - I told him to never talk to me, because I thought he is asking me for a picture not because he loves me as he says all the time, BUT, because he knows I hate how I look and he just wants to provoke me to feel bad. I have such paranoid attacks all day long, no matter who/where/when - even in strangers I see people who are trying to hurt me. I sit in bus and think people are talking about my bad hair today, about my fat figure or something else. I don't know if they are, but I always know they are. Right now I am writing this. And while writing, I am sure after an hour I will be the most careless, happy, crazy, fun person in world. This happy/sick/sad/suicidal/angry/miserable/happy again mood changes so often. I went shopping with friends today, clothes. I felt like all other buyers are looking at me and thinking "lol, fat legs, looks so dumb". With every nice face I saw in front of me - I felt so miserable of not being like it. Such small, skinny, happy, careless people. I always feel like sellers are looking at me and thinking "this outfit is so nice, it's for nice & slim girls - why are you even trying it on". Put S size on, tummy was hanging out. Put M size - was ok, I like if it is small even if doesn't fit me. Friends suggested and brought me L. I know they were helping, but I don't want to wear L sizes. Anyway, I have house full of shopping bags with small sized clothes. Yes, I always buy small sizes S, XS - always with a thought "I will drop weight to fit in them". In closet I still have clothes I bought 3 years ago, when I thought "I will drop some pounds and fit in them". I walk in same clothes most of time, because I let the pretty & nice ones rest in bags, for my wannabe slim times, which I have been trying to reach for years. I have very, very, very, very low self-esteem. I feel ugly, uglier than anybody else. Some months ago I felt like this only when was alone, never understood why. When went out - I was always like pro happy about myself & showing off. Now I don't even go out, weight makes me feel uncomfortable. Like I wasn't human. Just some garbage. Headache, fatigue, never-ending problems. I am thinking about starting to take up some meds, but I don't want to tell someone about how I feel. I guess some people just can never be happy. I will start diet tomorrow, that's the plan. Pity, but I doubt I will do it. And I don't even have guts to try harming myself physically. Just some 10 kg that are spoiling all my life.

[Jace]

Mistics,

Your tale is more than heart wrenching and I wish the best for you. That being said I feel as though it's not those 10kg that are "spoiling all my life" as you put it. Surely you can see that there are some serious underlying emotional problems here that losing the weight will not cure. Weight loss is not a cure for clinical depression. I would urge you to seek out professional help as soon as possible. The fact that you have suicidal feelings is a huge red flag that your life is at risk. You need to heal the emotional before you can even begin to change your body. You deserve a long and happy life and only a professional psychiatrist can help you get over these problems.

I hope you take my advice and at least consult with someone and wish you all the best with whatever you choose to do,

~Far la bella figura!