When you don't realize it's emotional..

[Ailinn]

It's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that my binge eating (and my weight issues) stem from more than just the fact that, as I told myself, "I am hungry."

I'm hoping that now realizing what has been going on over the past few years will let me finally free myself of the prison I've created on my own. And yes, prison is the exact word for it. I'll explain why.

I'm a rape survivor. It's taken me 5 years to be able to even say that to myself. I spent most of those 5 years denying that anything was wrong. I let myself believe it didn't affect me in any way. And by outside appearances, it didn't. I wasn't depressed, that I knew of. I didn't blame myself. But I finally started noticing some things. Being around people, other than those who are extremely close to me, makes me uncomfortable. I do not let anyone get close to me.

So, because of that, I spend a lot of time at home alone. Eating. Food never made me uncomfortable. It was the one sensual pleasure I could indulge in without any apprehension. When you basically sensory deprive yourself by shutting out emotion and other people, the comfort level of food increased dramatically.

And then we come to now. I've done a lot of soul searching recently and discovered that aside from using food for comfort, I was also using it as a barrier. Gaining weight made me feel insulated from the rest of the world. It wasn't a concious thought during those 5 years, but I know now that it was a sort of, "My body is disgusting, therefore no one will want to touch me now."

But, I'm tired of it all. I recently re-applied to college and I'm restarting soon. And I've read DANDR from cover to cover so many times that I decided to put it down and start living it.

I think I'm posting this as a sort of catharsis. It's nice to see my words spill out onto the page, because it makes my committment all that more real to me.

So, wish me luck in becoming ME again.

[cleochatra]

{{{{{Ailinn}}}}} You're not just a survivor. You're kicking butt and taking carb names. I'll be rooting for you every step of the way.

[healthandharmony]

Well done. You should be so proud of yourself. I am sending lots of hugs and lots of positve thoughts. Not that you need it. You are a champion.

[Helena_HastingsUK]

Ailinn said:

I spend a lot of time at home alone. Eating. Food never made me uncomfortable. It was the one sensual pleasure I could indulge in without any apprehension. When you basically sensory deprive yourself by shutting out emotion and other people, the comfort level of food increased dramatically. ... Gaining weight made me feel insulated from the rest of the world."

My question is- if one is using the big fat body as a porotective barrier, how is one ever going to lose weight? Just telling oneself "I dont need this barrier anymore" does not work for anyone.

Helena

[NoMorePumpkin]

Originally Posted by Helena_HastingsUK

My question is- if one is using the big fat body as a porotective barrier, how is one ever going to lose weight? Just telling oneself "I dont need this barrier anymore" does not work for anyone.

Helena

For me it took a LONG LONG time to come to a point where I just didn't want to be FAT anymore. I am one that USED TO eat emotionally a lot. I also thought of my weight as my barrier to the world, in some respects. I would talk to my girlfriend about this "condition" every now and again. She is also an emotional eater and overweight.

We both think we used our weight to keep men away. Can you believe that? Being fat I wouldn't have to deal with all the attention that women get. It was scary to me and also disgusting. However at the same time, I love being in relationships. I love men. I hope this doesn't sound too diluted or strange, but I truly believe I am beautiful. I'm one of those people that have rainbow glasses on and didn't see just HOW BIG I REALLY WAS/AM. I attracted some men and thought to myself, if I were skinny I would get too much attention. I KNOW that sounds VAIN and I don't mean to be. It's just that I HATE THE WAY MEN DEVOUR WOMEN WITH THEIR EYES. I want to be liked and loved for me, JUST ME. Not the way I look. I do want to be healthy and thin, but not skinny. [Another topic, skinny people are unattractive to me - I have NO idea why.]

But I have always been overweight and developed early (boobs, butt) due to it. I hated being a young girl and having older men hoot and holler at me. I think that's where it started. I am black and live in Washington, DC which is majority black. In the black culture, have a big behind (butt, booty, etc) is a gift. Having hips and a nice chest is also a gift. But in a way, a bad thing. At least that's how I felt. It got you too much attention. So, thinking back, I think I ate to make myself unattractive so I wouldn't get all the attention I was starting to get as a pre-teen and younger teenager. I still hate the way (some) men look at women.

I didn't start out writing this post thinking I would end up here. I just read your reply and starting typing. So for me, it has been a barrier for probably a good 26 years. I'm just tired of it now. I'm tired of hiding and I just need to learn to stand up for myself and IGNORE the attention (that I MIGHT get) that I don't want.

So, I guess my answer to your question for ME would be that it's been a LONG process. It is also now a strong desire to be HEALTHY above all and to finally shed this barrier I've been carrying around so long.

Punkin-kid

[RunAwayMichelle]

Originally Posted by Helena_HastingsUK

Ailinn said:

I spend a lot of time at home alone. Eating. Food never made me uncomfortable. It was the one sensual pleasure I could indulge in without any apprehension. When you basically sensory deprive yourself by shutting out emotion and other people, the comfort level of food increased dramatically. ... Gaining weight made me feel insulated from the rest of the world."

My question is- if one is using the big fat body as a porotective barrier, how is one ever going to lose weight? Just telling oneself "I dont need this barrier anymore" does not work for anyone.

Helena

Helena, my fat is my castle that I hide inside of. I am safe. I am sheltered. But the castle has grown too large and it is drastically limiting my life. I do not want to be skinny. I do not want people to comment on my body. I play a game with myself. My goal is to loose just a few pounds. Just 10% of my weight. Still plenty of castle left to live in, but a bit more comfortable. I intend to keep loosing 10% as long as I feel comfortable inside my skin. Then I will go on maintenance. I also like to loose weight very slowly so I never feel threatened and so that nobody else really knows. I also give people other things to notice. I changed my hair so when people see that I look different I can say, "yes I cut my hair" Should hide another 30 pound loss.

Also I have found new comfort foods that are Atkins legal. I LOVE seafood and will cook up big batches of it to feast on. Shrimp cooked in garlic oil with cream and parmesean cheese is to die for. I have learned to really love salad. I changed my favourite Tomato, Mayo, and white bread sandwich into a Tomato & mayo salad. I do not beat myself up when I cheat. No guilt, I just keep starting over, and over, and over and over again, and again, and again.

Keep coming back, this is a safe place to change as much or as little as you want to.


Michelle

[Ailinn]

Helena,

For me, the issue of coming out of the weight that protects me is realizing it doesn't actually protect me. For the longest time, I think subconciously I thought it did. But I've realized that if I'm not growing as a person and just hiding behind something like weight, I'm making myself feel weaker, not stronger. And to survive, I *have* to feel stronger.

In talks with my therapist, and my own research into PTSD/Rape Trauma Syndrome, I've learned that one of the ways to overcome some of the fears is to start to take control of the things that you can in your life. What I put in my mouth is something I can control. Choosing to walk outside my door each day is something I can control. By taking small amounts of control and taking small steps, I think it IS possible to say to myself that I don't need this barrier anymore. What I need MORE than the barrier is myself. And hiding behind the weight is not me. It's a symptom of something that happened that was beyond my control, and now that I'm taking control, the need for it lessens. Separating the two isn't easy, but I'm becoming very addicted to the amount of control I do have now.

It's really strange to me still, but following this way of eating gives me the desire to push myself to do more. I've been going out more, talking to old friends again, and preparing for school. Maybe its a coincidence and I was just ready to heal at this point in time, but I do think taking control has helped.

[cleochatra]

Sign me up as a fat castle girl!

I loooove using my weight as an excuse for every single failure in life that I've chalked up!

Had a bad day? It's because I'm fat
Don't want to go to the store? It's ok! I'm fat!
Lonely and shy? That's fine--hey, I'm fat!
Exercise? Doesn't that cause global warming? Besides, I'm fat!

I am soooo the excuses girl when it comes to why I need to hang onto this weight! As a matter of fact, I keep sabotaging myself now that I've hit the half-way mark. I can't imagine having to be responsible for my own happiness, my own sorrow, my own iniquities!

Hello, cleochatra, table for two, please. Me and my fat bodyguard.

People here at ADBB like Michelle and Ailinn who've actually BEEN through something traumatic have sooo much more reason to behave as I do, and they don't. I learn from these ladies, and I admire them.

{{{Ailinn}}}{{{Michelle}}}{{{Helena}}}{{{oh heck! everyone}}}

[RunAwayMichelle]

You know what I love about ADBB? I'm constantly discovering that I am not alone, that others have the same problems I do, and that somebody is always here to offer a helping hand and kind words.

{{{{{group hug}}}}}}}