Emotional binge eater

[Lil_miz_dancer]

I binge eat. ALOT. A typical binge, for me consists of approximately 5000-6000 calories. That's a brand new package of cookies, a box or two of gift chocolates, an entire loaf of bread...ONTOP of my 3 big meals a day. I did that pretty much everyday from September to now. Thus my gain.

I've been reading the posts about emotional eating, and I feel better knowing I'm not alone.

I have a hard time identifying EXACTLY why I have this tendency to sabotage myself, but I think it's mainly because of the lack of love in my life.

Please excuse me while I sound like therapy patient.

Yes, the one guy I've ever loved in my life left me. The reason I got together with him was because he pursued me using every technique in the book. It took me months to accept him because I thought it was too good to be true. This guy is a perfect ten. Good looking, a gentleman, a ballroom dancer, a hockey player, and a family man. I hated myself and thought I was too ugly to go out with him. But being with him, I saw that I could be attractive. And my self-love grew (slowly) as my love for him did as well. Now he's gone. I wasn't secure enough about myself to give all that I could in a relationship.

At around the same time, my dad got sick. With sickness comes anger. I feared going home. I only cry and binge at home.

For a year I wandered around without any meaning, mindlessly going to work, then school, etc etc. I never wanted to wake up and get out of the house.

I have a good relationship with my mom. I'd spend nights and nights hugging her. Just sitting on my bed, hugging her and telling her how important she is to me. I'd tell her now much she meant to me because I meant it to be the last time I'd ever hold her. My will to live diminished with each passing day. Why do people say, "time heals"? Time only makes things worse for me. I used to feel warm and protected hugging her, but now I feel nothing. I'm numb. I am also afraid to do this every night. I hate seeing her cry with me.

How I'd like to feel loved. I know my mom loves me, and my friends do as well. But I just don't feel the same warmth anymore. I am hollow and cold.

And when I read these posts about those of you who are married, and have the support of your husbands, I'm envious. I even wonder how it's possible to feel emotionally empty. Forgive me for saying that, as I know there's more to life than being married. It's just that, in my eyes, so many of you are so fortunate.

Then there's me. I feel my weight creep up with each passing day. I haven't even started induction yet. I don't know why. I just feel scared. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. I know I'll be successful. I've had great success in the past. But something's holding me back.

I hate living like this.

I don't want to see my doctor anymore. Each time I see her, I seem to get worse. She makes my case sound so grave. Half a year ago, she said I had to be hospitalized before I hurt myself. She says something similar time each time I see her for a non-depression related maladie. I'm so deathly afraid of her.

I think the way to solve my problem is weight loss. I honestly think all would be better if I just lost the damned fat that represents my failure in life. Each f*cking pound that represents how I messed up my chance to be loved, each f*cking pound that represents how I dance less and less, each f*cking pound that makes me disqualify myself from dance competitions, each f*cking pound that distances me from my friends and family, and each f*cking pound that pushes me closer to ending my f*cking life once and for f*cking all.

Excuse my language.

I'm going to start induction tomorrow. I'll use all my will, my strength, and get through it. I just reread DANDR this morning.

[cleochatra]

{{{Lil Miz}}} I know you are SO frustrated! I've SO been there! I am still there some days! I know this is going to sound like a sell-job, but right now a group of us are reading, "The Ultimate Weight Solution" by Dr Phil. If you click this link and come check out what we've been discussing (other links for the chapters are there in the signature line link) you'll find out that you are soooooo not alone.

You see, I'm an emotional binge eater, too. My father died, so I ate. I gained 170 pounds to hold down the grief and depression over moving, changing circumstances and having things never go the way I felt they should in my perfect ideal world.

Just this week I spent 3 days eating. I'd be fine for a day...thern I ate... was fine for a day...then I ate again.

What you have to say to yourself is self. Losing weight isn't going to change things. I know that when I lose weight I am still going to feel sorry for myself. I am still going to feel worthless if I feel worthless now. I am still going to have the same life I have right this minute. I have to decide that it's ok if life's not perfect. I can choose to exist happily despite imperfection and like myself because even though I have problems I'm trying to overcome, I'm still special.

What I can do is to choose to change now so that when I DO achieve my weight goals, I am a happier, healthier, new butt-kickin' kinda me!


So what are you waiting for? Start today. Right this minute. Pour dishsoap on the icecream you have on your lap and decide that right now this is the new you. The new you that analyzes emotions rather than drugging them.

I know you can beat this! You're a strong woman.

[Piasabird]

How did your first day go, Lil_miz? I think that this WOL will help you a lot.

I can identify with your post. I have problems with bingeing. I can eat a huge amount of food and most of it for me consists of carbs. Sugar is my drug of choice.

If you don't feel comfortable with your present doctor, is it possible to find a different one?

I hope you join the book discussion with Cleo. I'm starting to read Dr. Phil's book tonight at work. I got mine on eBay for .99 plus shipping.

My daughter in law tried to kill herself last Thursday night and we are all devastated about it. I'm sure the people close to you are worried.

Anyway, just wondering how you are doing tonight.

[Lil_miz_dancer]

Well, I read THE WEIGHT LOSS SOLUTION FOR TEENS, by Dr. Phil's Son...does that count? I'll go get your book and read it this weekend. For the mean time, I'm going to complete my French and TWO English essays that are due this week!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm sooo stressed!

Piasabird,

I'm sorry about your daughter in law. I realize that family members do worry a great deal.

As for my first day...it went lovely..until my dad came home. Then he started yelling at me because I couldn't open the door for the UPS guy (because I wasn't dressed). Then he glared at me, the way he used to when he was about to hit me. Although I know that he doesn't do that anymore. And then my mom came home from work, and we had dinner as a family. WEll, more like my mom and I sat as he verbally abused us both for 45 minutes. WE don't defend ourselves...it only makes him angrier. That's what dinner time is like at my house. It's a time for him to vent about his sickness and how much living with two useless pieces of crap is such a burden to him. As if we're really such a burden? My mom works more than him, and I have my scholarship to pay for my tuition. And so I binged. I hate myself for doing it, but I did. I told myself this morning that I should go to campus and stay there to ensure that I stick to my diet. But he gave me the false hope that he was going to STAY OUT of the house for the day (he usually does so...it's the weather for gambling), so I stayed home and did my homework. But NOPE. He came home early. Yelled, glared, yelled, cooked, yelled and ate and yelled again. So now I'm hiding in my bedroom again...a typical night for me.

Unfortunately, that was how my first day went. I hate myself. I'd smack myself silly if I could . But then that'd give him another reason to yell at me.

I'm sorry...I probably bring people down with my posts...

[Piasabird]

Perhaps you and your mother should think about kicking him to the curb.

Sorry your day didn't go so well. Try again.

[slimndown]

Hi Dancer! I vote for the new therapist! I'm a form of a binge eater too. Recovering restaurant-aholic. Feel bad, scared, etc. : Restaurant - whatever I want to order. Can't afford it either. I also come from a not so healthy family environment - my mother IS how you describe your father. Not a gambler, though - an alcoholic and abusive to my dad but mostly me. Viscious and very jealous woman. I moved out of that sitchie when I was 16. I found a very giving but obnoxious old lady to live with and paid her to rent a room. I went to HIGH SCHOOL full time and worked at a restaurant and STILL graduated early. You might think about the same thing. Anorexics and binge eaters tend to do the things they do when they do not feel in control of their lives. Your mom & dad have likely worked out a relationship and will be together forever, so I'm not sure how the previous poster's suggestion would go over. My dad always told me that he stayed with my mom because I was under 18 and he would likely not see me as much if he divorced her. I'm 25 and he's still with her. I don't know why but he has his reasons - it might be better than being alone for him.

I'm not giving you advice, but want to let you know that I've been there and know first hand the frustration you feel. It helped me to find a place to live and bring in some money to support myself. It might help you too. Take heart, sweetie.

[BabyDreamer]

Lil-miz,

First off, you are not alone. My Dad is the exact same way and has been my entire life. I turned to food and school to hide from him and generally laid as low as possible to stay under his radar. I would spend hour after hour in my room studying and secretly eating stuff. Oh, the mass of wrappers that would accumulate under my bed as a child and teen. The only positive to come from that is that I became a college professor at 22 (not too shabby), but my weight was a disaster.

Second, you can live through this and move forward. Instead of eating when you feel like nothing. (Believe me, I have found solice many times in a bag of Doritos, a Coke and a snickers bar) try to channel it into something else. Write in a journal (hide this from your Dad though because if he sees it, all heck could break lose).

Unless he is computer savvy, try keeping it on your computer under a stupid name like "Essay 5 for English 101". He will never be the wiser. Vent, vent and then vent some more. Get it all out so you don't have to put anything inside you to push the pain down. Let the pain fill the pages, then you are left with an empty tank and can fill it with goodness-- positive thoughts, healthy food and friendship.

Remember, the distress he is causing you is a symptom of his own problem with himself. You did NOT cause this to happen to you and you probably will never change him. My Dad is 58 and still the same so you have to make your life your own and hold yourself accountable to that.

The good thing is that you are not that much overweight now. You can get a handle on this while you are still young, while some of us are fighting this battle at 30. Do not let this hinder you or your love for others because then he wins.

You can do it my friend. I am here to listen to ya' vent when needed and hope the best for you.

Deb

PS I teach college composition and speech so if you need any help there, I can do that too.

Originally Posted by Lil_miz_dancer

As for my first day...it went lovely..until my dad came home. Then he started yelling at me because I couldn't open the door for the UPS guy (because I wasn't dressed). Then he glared at me, the way he used to when he was about to hit me. Although I know that he doesn't do that anymore. And then my mom came home from work, and we had dinner as a family. WEll, more like my mom and I sat as he verbally abused us both for 45 minutes. WE don't defend ourselves...it only makes him angrier. That's what dinner time is like at my house. It's a time for him to vent about his sickness and how much living with two useless pieces of crap is such a burden to him. As if we're really such a burden? My mom works more than him, and I have my scholarship to pay for my tuition. And so I binged. I hate myself for doing it, but I did. I told myself this morning that I should go to campus and stay there to ensure that I stick to my diet. But he gave me the false hope that he was going to STAY OUT of the house for the day (he usually does so...it's the weather for gambling), so I stayed home and did my homework. But NOPE. He came home early. Yelled, glared, yelled, cooked, yelled and ate and yelled again. So now I'm hiding in my bedroom again...a typical night for me.

Unfortunately, that was how my first day went. I hate myself. I'd smack myself silly if I could.

[Lil_miz_dancer]

Thanks for everyone's support. It means alot.

[JenDoe]

Hi Lil Miz Dancer
I agree with what everyone else has said, and I think you know that you can take steps to helping yourself feel better - and losing wieght will help because you will feel in control of yourself, rather than feeling controlled by other people and events.

I completely sympathise with the emotional eating thing, when I was a teenager I was bulimic for years, I would eat and eat and eat til I threw up and then start eating again - and I didn't tell anyone because I was so ashamed... anyway I finaly managed to quit (I think I last threw up about 7 years ago) but although I stopped being sick, I would still binge eat when unhappy. Anyway I'm now working on stopping that entirely and getting in control of my eating for the first time in my life.

Also like babydreamer says, journals are great for venting emotion and helping you think things though. Oh, and you can definately do this! definately!

[Moochiecat]

I'd like to encourage you to talk with your doctor/therapist...really talk, and tell them how going to them isn't working for you.

My neice experienced a really bad breakup last spring and finally went to a therapist. The lady came at her with a certain approach and my niece just levelled with her and told her that if that was her style, it wasn't going to help my niece one bit. The therapist changed tactics and together they were able to find a way for my niece to deal with things.

Perhaps you need to change doctors...but don't give up on seeking help.

For sure we all want you to succeed, but we aren't trained therapists, and we don't really know you that well. Some of us may have our own experiences we can share with you, but everyone's experiences are uniquely their own and my solution may not necessarily be your solution, and vice versa.
We can help guide you with Induction and beyond and help support you along the way, but I'm sure we'd all be more comfortable knowing you had a trained person supporting you with the issues you face concerning food and family.