An honest post from an emotional train wreck...

[BabyDreamer]

I weigh 273 right now and I was once doing well on this WOE. I had told myself that I had conquered the emotional binger and that all was well. However, it was a lie.



I have been an emotional eater for as long as I could remember. My pap (grandfather) was dying of cancer and the first memories I have of him are eating fried potatoes with him every night drenched in ketchup. I loved my Pap…at four I was already connecting food with love.



In school, I was the nerdy chubby kid. I was not really big then, not even the biggest girl in class, but I was a sneaky emotional eater. I would trade my food at school for other worse food. "Hey, I'll trade you my Jell-O for your fries".



I would hide snacks under the bed so when Mom and Dad fought I could stay in my room and "medicate" myself. I would eat and escape into my world of books. TV was not in my room and I love to read so I escaped that way.



I got bigger and bigger and bigger. I graduated high school in a size 18 and four years later, I left college in a 22. Throw in a couple of bad relationships and the pounds packed on. I weighed 311 at my highest. I could barely fit into a 30 then.



I met Josh and while he says he loves me no matter what, the truth is that my weight inhibits us in many ways. Nope, can't go to Kings Island..I won't fit in the seat. Nope, can't ride the chair life in Gatlinburg with my new husband cause we both won't fit (he is also big and dieting). Nope, can't do the go-carts cause I am afraid my butt won't fit. Fly in a plane, well I had to do that one since it was for work, but I was scared every minute of making someone else feel uncomfortable so I chose to sit next to the children flying alone.



I started this in a 28 and I am down to 26s now. Emotional eater… you bet.



I have tried to be anorexic to get control over my food, but instead of not eating, I would eat and then be sick. So, yes I guess a 273 pound person can be bulimic. I never thought of it that way, but I guess that is my label.


This past month mother nature and life have thrown me some curve balls and I have reverted to my old way of medicating myself. I have eaten low-carb stuff until I could eat no more. It did nothing to numb the pain like good, old greasy home food.



So on Monday, I ate a cheeseburger with bread. I ate a corn dog with real ketchup. I ate Cool Ranch Doritos. I ate a Snickers bar. I ate a honeybun. I drank skim milk (weird I know, but I can't drink the other). I did this in one evening when my husband was out with friends. I ate all this while in the vehicle so no evidence would come home with me. I felt great for all of 10 minutes until I realized what I had done and came home and took a shower to get the smell of "bad food" off me and I crawled into bed.



I stayed there all night long. I got up yesterday morning and did a little work, but at 11 am I crawled back into bed. I got up at 5 pm and made an Atkins friendly meal. I ate it. Then, I snuck some peanut butter. Then, I ate some pork rinds. Then more peanut butter. I drank two or three diet cokes. I binged again. My husband found the empty peanut butter jar and got upset so when we went to check on a computer he was fixing I threw up as much as I could.

So, today I am up and going. I have had two hot dogs, 1 slice of cheese, and 48 oz. of water. So far so good. However, the evening is coming and with it the demons that conquer me.

I am at my wit's end and I do not want to fail. I want to succeed. I can do it. I really can. So, what is wrong with me?


Deb

[Jasmain]

Deb,
First of all,

Now that we have that out of the way, I will tell you, you are here for a reason. You aren't the same person that used to hide food under your bed. You aren't the same person you were when you started this. You've just said more in one post than I've ever seen you say before about what life is REALLY like for you. You're sharing, and I'd be willing to be that it's something you aren't used to, just opening up and saying, "Ok, here it is, the nasty truth I don't even want to think about myself." That's progress. No one here is going to be able to tell you how you tick. The more you talk about it, the more you see yourself what's going on, and can better understand it. I think the true test of how far you've come is in admitting to the problem. Not just to yourself, I can sit and tell myself all day what's wrong with me, but until I face it out in the open, I'm not likely to feel much of a push to change it. We aren't doctors, we're just people who care, and I would be willing to bet there are a LOT of people here who understand and have been through or done everything you just spilled out, but I'd also be willing to bet that not all of them have bared their souls, even to themselves, in a very long time, if ever.

If you need to talk, PM me, I don't have the answers, I'm not a doctor, I can't tell you how to fix what's wrong, but I certainly have a good ear, and am ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, wishing the best for you every day.

There is no greater comfort than comforting a fellow member of the human race.

[kellygirl2]

Dear BabyDreamer,
I am so sorry you are having so much emotional pain. You are such a sweet person: I have read your kind posts to others. I hope you will treat yourself with a little of the same kindness you give to others.

You can do this. You can lose this weight, because YOU are worth feeling good about yourself. You can do this because you want to give yourself the gift of good health. You can do this to give your husband a happy wife. You can do this to give your future children a good role model. You can do this, dear BabyDreamer.

Dust yourself off, give yourself a break, and continue your journey. We all fall down. The strength is in getting back up and going.

You are worth it and you can do this!

[BabyDreamer]

Kelly,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I need to have my butt whipped for falling off the wagon, but I am back on so I will be ok.

Deb

Originally Posted by kellygirl2

Dear BabyDreamer,
I am so sorry you are having so much emotional pain. You are such a sweet person: I have read your kind posts to others. I hope you will treat yourself with a little of the same kindness you give to others.

You can do this. You can lose this weight, because YOU are worth feeling good about yourself. You can do this because you want to give yourself the gift of good health. You can do this to give your husband a happy wife. You can do this to give your future children a good role model. You can do this, dear BabyDreamer.

Dust yourself off, give yourself a break, and continue your journey. We all fall down. The strength is in getting back up and going.

You are worth it and you can do this!

[2big4mysize]

:wave :wave just thought I'd jump in to help y'all inderstand why your brain's telling you to eat those foods. the human brain has a phenmoninal set of cross referenced info dealing with foods and feelings. Our brain knows what foods we ate and what we were feeling before and after and has catalogged those memories. Many foods like chocolate have chemicals that mimic neutro trasmitters and can temporarily "fix" a chemical imbalance and calm us or lift our mood and our subconcious wants so desperately to make us feel better. SO Dr Brain acts like a little kid oh oh oh I know the answer eat this! eat this! and we do and the chemicals work for a temporary fix and those neropathways are reinforced once again. when the chemicals are used up we are right back where we were and once again Dr Brain tells us to eat it again.

if you can identify the mood you are in and the food you want it is easier to find a nonfood substitute for it. For example If you are angry or stressed exercise allows you to use up those bad hormones those emotions cause in a posistive manner and releases a good neuro transmitter endorphens which calms you too. But if you are tired from lack of sleep and wanting your enrgy comfoprt food exercise will just make the situation worse. If you want chocolate the chemicals from exercise are the same and should sub nicely as your comforter.

Once you find a new comfort you need to use it regularly to build up the neuropathways and storage referenaces to it and weaken the ones to the old food you used to use. that is where the exercise your willpower makes it stronger theory comes from.

[brabea22]

Heya Debbie,
Everything is going to be alright; your inner addict just got the best of you momentarily. Your fanny is planted back on the wagon. Break out the butt glue and start eating the way you are supposed to. Grab your water and enjoy this weight loss journey as you are pulled back through the years to times when you were healthier.

[kellygirl2]

Ok, baby,

Consider your butt kicked: shape up time! Also remember, you are a lovely, interesting, caring, worthy person and deserve kindness, fun, joy, and love.

xoxo

[BabyDreamer]

I am doing ok this morning. I can do it, I can do it...I know I can. I am such a weak schmuck sometimes.

Deb

[kellygirl2]

Nudge here, hehe. Keep on keeping on BD.

[BabyDreamer]

I have made it so far today...

Deb

Originally Posted by kellygirl2

Nudge here, hehe. Keep on keeping on BD.