All or nothing...

[Debismyname]

I am caught in a cycle of behaviour all my life. I know its origins but forgive that person now so I don't know why I keep repeating the behaviours when I no longer need to/ have to in order to protect myself.

Why do I keep doing things in extreme.....severe anorexia and starving for 11 years....severe obesity and binging for 5 years....exercising 7 hours a day on the one hand....and not exercising at all for months on the other.....I always set myself up to fail and now my body can't put up with it anymore. It is resisting the abuse I put it through but now I'm scared.....if I listen to my body (for the first time ever) and treat it with moderation (so that rather than exercising 7 hours I just do one hour).....will the 'guilt' or 'failure' monster rear its ugly head again and make me flip back to the other extreme and start binging again and not exercising at all.....

That is my fear....that is the overwhelming all encompassing fear that infiltrates through y every waking and sleeping moment....

Why do I keep doing this?

I don't have the answer....but all I know is that moderation has to be the way I go. I have to try it and fail and try it and fail....and then try it again.....

To live in extremes has not worked and never will....it has led me to self destruction and no it can't anymore....

Has anyone got any helpful hints on how to deal with these issues and how to achieve moderation....

Any help would be greatly appreciated....

God bless you all
Thank you
x

[2big4mysize]

you say you know why so the original cause has been identified. do you have triggering event you have journalled so you can take steps to avoid the tiggers? logging the who what when hwere why and how you feel before during and after plus an hour later should help you see patternes emerge as to what triggers you to action. one you see these then you need to have a plan for controlling them and alternative actions you can take.

[chase_white_rabbits]

I don't have any answers for how to stop the "all or nothing" mentality, but I can relate and have found ways that I can live with it. I'm definitely in the same boat as you. I starved myself in high school, binged in college, but it's also had some good effects. My endless determination can get fixated on anything, and it's what got me 18 scholarships at university, and never having to worry about paying for college.

It was "all or nothing" in a lot of aspects of my life, and I just couldn't understand why I couldn't apply that same determination to a healthy lifestyle. Finally, one day it just clicked - and I focused my "all or nothingness" on healthy eating and exercise itself. It was no longer "I can't eat anything, I'm going to starve myself until I'm thin" and then when I failed, "now I'm going to eat whatever I want because I can't do it." I turned my all or nothingness to Atkins.

For me, I needed rules. When I starved myself, my rules were I could eat nothing but lettuce/mustard (and whatever else weird, unnatural thing I came up with). BUT, with Atkins, the rules are already set out there for you - read the book, follow the book, make it your "all". For me, it gave me that same sense of determination and drive. As for exercise, maybe a trainer or classes would be a better method than exercising alone. They will help make sure you're getting a good workout without going overboard - and again, there are already rules laid out for you.

I'm sorry I can't help you confront and treat the WHY you're an all or nothing person, but for me, I did find a healthy way to live with it.

[sweetgirl2]

Your post made me feel somewhat of my own pasts and forgivenesses just now. I feel how you are struggling with that inner turmoil.

Life throws so many curve balls at us and I've had my share of them. Food has been my best friend, my worst enemy and all that bingeing and purging and dieting and starving until I pass out in public. It a viscious cycle. it's a very hard cycle to get up and off of. It's emotional, and yet it is a way of not truly dealing with all the emotions properly. Merely a way of controlling ourselves or feeling better briefly. Until the next strike.

For me personally. I like to think I have forgiven all those people who I have blamed along the way (& rightly so, but I can't allow them to control me in all manner of ways any longer. I won't.) Somedays I haven't forgiven them, but I try and deal with it in ways that don't include food or the lack of it.

Today is the first day of the rest of your beautiful life. It's so very precious.
The best advice I can offer is that the biggest step is forgiving yourself.

[Debismyname]

Words are not enough to express my gratitude for your replies 2big4mysize, chase_white_rabbits and sweetgirl2....Tears have welled up in my eyes after reading what each of you wrote and the genuine care and advice each of you gave. I haven't felt this from many people in my life, no matter how long I have known them for and it amazes me how complete strangers share themselves like you all have and reach out to understand me. I am grateful....thank you.

Triggers: it seems to be that I shift from one extreme to another when I am tired of the type of 'extreme' I have been doing....if I've been starving and exercising obsessively, I get tired of that eventually and revert to the other extreme. Also, anxiety triggers me (when I have a weight/ mini goal that is coming up and 'time' is running out to achieve it), when I have challenges at work, feelings of guilt, when I'm angry, when I'm tired and when I see the scale go down only a little when I have been putting my maximum (needless to say obsessive) effort into it. As for the people triggers, usually its those closest to me....family and my husband.

As for determination, yes you are right chase_white_rabbits....in one way the extreme drive/ determination has helped me achieve too. I did very well at school and have qualifications that have set me up for life....the only problem is (and I don't know if you can relate) because I am always so driven and tense and hard on myself, I never once enjoyed university nor do i enjoy my job....unless of course I am doing fantastically well at it. Sometimes I wish I could just relax and value what I have achieved instead of thinking it was a 'fluke'/ or that 'i was lucky' in getting my qualifications.

As sweetgirl 2 said I think the key is forgiving myself.....you are so right. I know thats what I definetely need to do....

Its hard to remove oneself from people who have a negative effect on your life and who and trying to pull you down but even harder when that person is you (or at least part of you). We can never run away from ourselves or chose not to associate with ourselves so I guess its a matter of learning to live with it in a way that is less detrimental, dealing with emotions in a non-food way....and forgiving ourselves.

Once again I am so very grateful for your comments and help....I now have some strategies to try and things are back in perspective for me....thank you for the gift of insight....I will try to put it to good use.

God bless you all.....you will never know how special this has been for me....
Wishing each of you all the very best from my heart
Deb

[sweetgirl2]

Deb, that is a beautiful reply.
You're more than welcome and take care of you

[2big4mysize]

don't set calander deadlines for weight loss just have a goal like be cheat free on my Atkins ofr X days then for 2X days and reward yourself when you acheive them. I paid myself $5 a pound and could only speend it afte i lost 100 pounds So my goals were being met money was going in the bank and I can change my mind about what i was going to dowith all that moioney a 100 times over.

Even though you gave a list if stuff your still haven't identified the triggering issue. getting tired of the extream you are on and flipping to another isn't a triggering device that is a reaction to frustration but what triggers you to head for extreames and extremes only is what you need to figure out.

My younger sister is a triggering device for me to over eat so i don't eat with her I still visit and talk with her but no food is consumed with her.

just chart yourself and answer the Ws who what when where why and HOw and you will see patterns small patterns emerge in and around an episode and as you work on fixing them with alternatives like when so and so wants to go to X which triggers me I will cut them off at the pass and suggest we go to Y which doesn't trigger me. Or I will suggest a later meeting at Z which will mimimize my exposeure to them and will be a safe place for me should i not be incontrol.

work then and practice harm reduction each time an event occurs. As soon as you know you are heading down that path stop it and back up. soon you will see more and more time between events and they will become less and less sever

[sweetgirl2]

Oh I love that money reward idea 2big!

my whole family triggers me off !!! (not my family here at home) but my mother, father, sister, brother, auntie etc; The lot of them! And they never have a visit or family get together without the darn food and then the darn 'comments'! All the females have much bigger, heavier weighty probs than me - so *snicker* I have a couple of pictures of them on my fridge and when I have to go to see them I make sure I eat first and try and think happy thoughts (& keep those pictures in my head lol)

Whatever gets you through the day I guess lol