my response to GaynorAs post.

[Tired of Chub]

I have to put this here. I know theres not alot of traffic in this forum.I just cant put it in the main forum. Toomany people. but I had to post.


that thread couldnt come at a better (or worse) time for me I dont think. Ive been havign a lot of problems as of late. See... I was raped when I was 16. ANd got pregnant. and had an abortion. And now, Im nearly 31. And with a man that loves me for me. And now... Im getting close to the weight I was when I was raped. At least I think so anyway. I know I was in a 14 pant at the time. My breasts are larger now, as are my hips. but, I know Im close to that size. I wore a fat suit as a protectant. After I was raped, I was bulemic for awhile. a year or more. and now... I hate people looking at me. it makes me uncomfortable. I dont like to be noticed. I feel weak. and like i need someone to protect me. like I cant protect myself. Like Im not strong. And thats so not me. I used to be one of the strongest people I know. and anymore, I want to just lay down and cry. I know Im slipping. ANd I know I need help. Ive been finding it hard to eat again. I went to victorias secret the other day and seeing mysel fin the mirror 75% nekkid made me sick to my stomach. I feel more disgusting now at 177 pounds then I did 60 pounds heavier.

My friends dont know anythign about why Im so down. I told the one that I hated being looked at, like I was vulnerable and unprotected. But thats all Ive told her. My BF doesnt even know why Im having problems. I just tell him "Im having a bad day, I feel fat and gross". I can keep up the facade that things are okay, and then something happens and i break. Maybe Ill share this with my closest friends. I dunno. Would get me out of talking about it I guess.

So Gaynor, thank you. It breaks my heart to know other people suffer this way and yet, I dont feel as alone.

[Laurenfra]

Sweety
You need to get help. You are doing such a great job getting healthy you need to get the rest of you healthy too. With the right councelor you can put your past where it belongs behind you. You are very strong otherwise you could not have told us. There is great joy and happiness in your future hold on to that

[sillygirl]

Talking about it is a good thing. I can understand your not wanting to talk to friends and BF about this. Seeing a professional, who is purely there to guide you, is important. I agree with Bren, you're losing weight and becoming healthy you should feel really great about that, and in yourself. Give yourself a change to feel strong again.

[GaynorA]

Hey there Tired of Chub. Oh my hon ... what you are going through doesn't make you weak. You went through a dreadful experience. And look at you ... you are HERE, you are ALIVE, you are surviving day to day. You told us what happened. That is incredibly brave of you. You've taken the first step. Such an important step. Thank you for sharing your story with us honey. I feel really priviledged that you would let us into this painful place in your world.
When we go through stuff like this we cope as best we can. That doesn't make us bad people. It just means that sometimes bad experiences hurt us at our deepest levels and we turn to whatever we can to help us get through it. But it sounds like you have reached a place where you feel you need something else to help you come to terms with it. The first step for me was trusting a friend. Someone I knew I could trust completely. And the weird thing was ... when I told him ... he in turn told me that he had been through something similar.
You know what love ... what you went through is NOT a reflection on you. It is not something that you have to feel ashamed about. It was NOT your fault. You survived and now you are in a place where you are older and stronger ... and more able to work through what happened.
In order for me to get down to goal weight I knew I had to work with a therapist. Because I knew that, like you, the moment I got smaller I got terrified. It's your choice hon, but I would really recommend working with a counsellor or therapist. Keep in mind that you will not be trapped. It's your choice all along. You can stop counselling or therapy if it's too much for you, and go back when you are ready. No-one can force you to disclose anything until you are ready to do that.
I think you are amazing. You have come this far along your journey without any support around this area in your life. I hope you can feel proud of that - because that is not easy. And ... you know what ... it says to me that actually you are a very strong person. I don't know if you are close to a book store, but I'd like to recommend a book. I've just re-invested in it, although I read it a few years ago. It's called "The courage to heal" and it is the most amazing book I have ever read about recovering from childhood sexual abuse. I know that Amazon stock it - because that's where I've just ordered my copy from.
All the love in the world to you. Next time you look in the mirror - look at your eyes! Remember that behind those eyes has been a really painful secret that you have had to carry, and you have carried it all on your own. And allow yourself to realise that YOU ARE TRULY AMAZING for having been able to do that. If you need to cry ... cry! If you need to yell into a pillow ... do that. If you need to wrap your arms around yourself and cradle that 16 year old inside you ... you do that. And try to share it with at least one other trusted person my hon. We are here if you need to talk. Perhaps some people who live in your area might know about some community resources that work with survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Love to you.

[hopejoy]

Ditto to all the above
Also, having a professional counselor to talk to who has taken a vow to privacy really helps you to be able to sort through all your feelings in a safe place... sometimes you have to be really careful who you talk to as a negative response can cause more harm to you than good. If you've not talked to anyone, the first time you talk about it could really be difficult and painful, make sure you're really ready and that that person is trustworthy.
will think of you and pray for peace for you.
Just remember 1 out of 3 women are raped in their life time.... it's just not talked about... once you start talking you will find loads of support and understanding... you'll find that your friends will open up their deep dark secrets and you won't feel so alone.
liz

[GaynorA]

Hey Tired of Chub - just checking in on you. You okay hon? Here if you need to talk. Love to you.