Bulimia

[canIdoIT]

hey everyone.. here is my story.
I was bulimic for 11 years. Went to re-hab.. hadn't had a re-lapse for about 2 years .. and now with this diet- i'm back into *black and white* thinking.. *good vs. bad* food. blah blah blah. Every time i screw up and eat some carbs- like normal people do- no one is perfect- i throw it up.
Now.. let me add here- if you have nothing nice to say, please don't say it at all- this is really an emotional problem, not a food problem---
My husband is getting deployed for 6 months- and i'm not handling it well- can't control him leaving- if the plane crashes on my way to MI while he's gone... how i'll survive without my rock (this is not a pitty party- not intended for ppl to feel bad or woe is me- just honesty about my anxieties and feelings- so please don't take it that way)
Bottom line- this is the only way of living that works for me food wise- is there anyone out there with an eating disorder who stuggles with the *black and white* thinking? I need some advice on ways to handle anxiety,stress.. a way to find control over my life.
... my husband is not very supportive with counseling.. he doesn't believe in it- and that makes me pretty ashamed of myself- so right now, i want to try this support group first before i go any further...

[Adena]

Hi -- I just answered your post about OWL in another thread. Hello again. I'll start by saying I'm really not qualified to talk about this topic, but I'll share some thoughts...

I would guess this explains why you haven't lost weight on OWL during the past couple of weeks. I'm sure your body is freaking out with the throwing up, and holds onto whatever you DO give it for fear it won't get anything else.

Now, more to your original question.... Atkins is very "black and white" about certain foods. Once you go through all the rungs of OWL, you can eat pretty much anything EXCEPT sugar, white flour and white rice. And those are ALWAYS no-nos. If you have a tendancy toward bulimia, and you aren't able to 100% stay away from those foods, I have to wonder if Atkins isn't the best choice for you? I know you've been successful and certainly don't want to discourage you, but if eating the definite "NO" foods is going to send you running to the bathroom b/c you KNOW they aren't allowed in any form, then maybe a more moderate plan at this point would be better? Something like WW that allows anything, but in moderation?

I'm guessing that knowing (in the back of your head) that you can eat the bad carbs and then get rid of them influences you to eat them. Clearly, the key is to break that cycle... wish I knew what to suggest. I WILL say that eating bad carbs isn't the end of the world on Atkins. Many of us simply pick right back up where we left off and press on. Also, if it helps any, I wouldn't assume that throwing them up (unless it's immediate?) means they don't get into your system and affect your blood sugar -- they likely do. So, what you're doing doesn't really even help. Does that influence you not to do it....? My guess is no, because this is really a much deeper emotional issue than what you do (or don't) put in your mouth

Sounds like your husband being deployed is the perfect time to seek some counseling... in this case, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, and sounds like it can only help you.

Best of luck to you. Take care of yourself -- that sweet baby in your before picture needs a healthy momma.

[SandyL2002]

I am not going to bash you but whether or not hubby agrees with counseling you NEED to do it anyway.. you do NOT want to get back to where you were.. you MUST think about you...

[Porcelain]

I agree with the counselling too. I think it can help you in all aspects of your life. I have a lot of anxiety too and sometimes I wake up now with panic attacks. It makes me want to get obsessive about my food because it is a control issue. You can't control all these other things in your life and you are trying to get/exert some control by throwing up. I know it may sound weird but your mind is trying to find an outlet. Just like how a little kid goes and kicks it stuffed animal when he really wants to go kick his sister. I imagine your mind gets some sort of peace right after you throw up. But it only lasts a few seconds because soon you probably feel a lot of shame and start berating yourself about how weak and stupid you are. It is a very viscious cycle and not uncommon not only in eating disorders but other things as well, such as cutting. That perceived peace only lasts for a few moments and then you are back to "look at what I have become." I hope you choose to seek help. I will be thinking about you and wishing you well. -hugs-

[Brook]

((((((((hugs)))))))))

I'm a recovering bulimic as well. It's been a battle in my life since I was 14 years old. I go in stretches - for years- where it's a non issue, and then something happens and it sends me into a tail spin that takes me sometimes a couple of days..sometimes a few months..to get back on top of.

People who do not suffer eating disorders, by and large, do *not* understand them, lack empathy for them and are of the "Why don't you just stop?" school of thought - (cuz ya know..it's that easy ). My husband does not understand my battle with it- but he can't understand it, and I understand that he can't understand it. LOL Add to that that they're manly men who don't ask for help and would rather saw off their own arm in most cases than admit weakness and it doesn't exactly give us the make up for a warm, supportive atmosphere in a struggle like this.

The others are right... his attitudes and opinions be damned - this is about you and your health, hon. If you're struggling- and it sounds like you are- and you're unable to utilize the tools that previous treatment has taught you, it's time to seek treatment again. You have to take care of yourself because you and I both know this can be such a bottomless pit- you're not going to be worth a damn to anyone if you don't. Do *not* allow his attitudes hurt you. If he loves you, then you sit him down and you make him listen. You tell him you *get* that he doesn't get it, but you are drowning and he's either going to extend a hand and help you up and out or he's going to walk straight on by and act like nothing is wrong. If he'd rather do the latter than the former, is he the kind of man you want to count on when you're a little old lady? Make him understand that THAT is how important this is - because it can be a life and death issue. It IS a major HEALTH issue.

You are NOT alone in this.

[shininstr984]

Hello. First of all, you are not alone. I've struggled with bulemia for about 4 years now, on and off. Sometimes it was spiraling out of control, vomiting up almost everything I ate, and the weird part is--it doesnt even work. I never lost weight from bulemia. Because even after I would vomit, I would thing, 'hmm i just threw those calories up, now i can eat some more'...

it is one of the most depressing things to deal with. That is part of the reason why I started on Atkins. I know that if eating these foods are actually going to help me, I have no reason to throw up. I can't say that I have let myself binge on carbs at all, but I'm sure I would do the same thing and vomit it up-a quick solution to the problem of cheating.....

I think that if you truly have an understanding that you need counseling, go for it. You need to look after yourself first and foremost, despite what anyone thinks...If you decide not to, there are lots of eating disorder support groups online...and know that you're not alone, and if you ever need to vent about it, feel free! I know where you are coming from...

[canIdoIT]

*sighhh*
Thanks everyone for your posts. --- also, for the record-in response to a post. One thing i learned when i was in Rehab, was that bulimia makes you *bigger* then you normally would be, you only vomit up a portion of what you eat, never all of it.. so obviously i know it won't make me thin- its not about that- more about learning how to deal with real feelings, anxieties, fears, ect. instead of throwing them up.-- if my reaching out and journaling doesn't work... as SCARY and SHAMEFUL as it is.. i will once againnnnnnnnnnnnnnn seek professional help. :/
also.. in a little over 2 years, i've had 2 relapses. I think ... i can fix this before i spiral outta control again... and need counseling. (at least that is what i would *LIKE* to believe) counseling is scaryyyyyyyy.

[Dimple_Flirt]

Have you asked about being put on anti anxiety meds? It is working wonders for me.I'm not stressing as much thus not wanting to sedate myself with food. Maybe it would get rid of your reasons for needing the fix.
I was anorexic in my later teen yrs and then turned in to the fat girl when I got pregnant because I didn't want to hurt the baby from not eating.Then when the baby came I was stressed from the crying and being isolated.I was married in to the military too.He was in the Navy and often I got stuck at home alone in a strange town while either he was out with friends or deployed.We have been divorced 11yrs now and the kids are 12 &17 yrs and just now I'm realizing all these yrs that I've been suffering from social anxiety and general anxiety and panic attacks.I've been @275lbs for over 10 yrs and now with meds for anxiety the weight is coming off. I'm currently 255lbs. My weight had been 130 lbs before kids but I pigged out to sedate myself all these yrs,couldn't throw up and the laxitive abuse does not work either. I'm on a generic Zoloft and it does not seem to affect my weight loss. Good luck

[DuchessOfDork]

Dude, try counceling. I'm not an expert, but I -can- relate. I had an ED when I was in high school and college, mostly anorexia though. It did not make me thin, it just made all my hair fall out and my nails weak and my bones brittle. I didn't continue on that trend and go bullemic for one reason; I'm a singer, and I couldn't ruin my voice.

Dude, you have so much to live for. Look all all of the effects that vomiting has on the esophogus. Try to focus on other things, and keep the food down. So you ate something bad.. so what? Life goes on, and you WILL get through it. I promise you have it in you.

[canIdoIT]

thanks guys-- eveyone. This really helped me a lot to talk about it with you guys Last night- i ended up having a bowl of cereal (raisin bran) and some south beach diet cookies (low carb)... and then a few chips- but the point is- When i ate these carbs- i did not STUFF myself with them- i told myself it was ok (as opposed to black and white thinking- this is BAD i need to get rid of it)-- and that came from a post, that it was not the end of the world to do so. And then i had a very nice long discussion with my husband.. which helped a lot.
To some of you... this might not make any sense at all- what i'm saying- i'm trying to say THANK YOU all i appreciate the support, i am really continuing the lifelong healing process with bulimia- eating, thinking right- getting things under control. Not hurting my body if i make a mistake, but instead... try to learn from it!!
Also--- yes, i do understand that i cannot eat carbs like that all the time, but i think i have to be a little more lienient on myself until i really get my addictions and emotions under control.
THank you all for not bashing me and for being so supportive. You all, complete strangers, have helped me in more ways then you'll know

... ONE MORE THING..

I do an hour of cardio/weight work (the firm exercise dvd) and then i roller blade for an hour.... plus all my house work and trips to the park with my baby. I *feel* great- but i'm eating 25-30 carbs a day. By the end of the night.. i'm really craving carbs- do you think with my exercise level, i need to eat more carbs.. or maybe i should just do induction and do atkins *right* because i still have carb addictions?? ... this whole thing is a long process for me.. but i'm not going to give up... because with my body type, if i go back to a high carb diet, i feel really nasty all the time and stuffed, low energy, not to mention i blow up like a baloon!