Bulimia

[*Wendy*]

This is embarrassing, but I am going to post it anyways - partly because as I approach my 40th year I no longer feel so much anxiety about revealing my blemishes and humanity as I did when I was a 20-something, but also because I know that if I am going through this, then there must be a dozen others out there that are also facing the same obstacles.

What follows is a paste of my personal response to another member that is also struggling with Bulimia ... and I hope that if you too are going through this or if you have overcome it (!) you will post on this string and give some insight or encouragement.

NOTE: I have edited out any personal info that might have revealed the original poster.

I can see that you haven't posted here for a long time, so I'm not sure that you will get my message, but I wanted to let you know that I read your post in the eating disorders forum and that I totally get what you wrote and I am impressed that you shared such a raw and emotional description of what you have been going through.

I've been away from the site for many months, and I wish that I'd been here when you posted because then I'd know that you would have read what I'm about to write just when you could appreciate it the most.

I had thought when I started Atkins that somehow I'd been healed from the urge to purge, and honestly, in the very beginning I really thought I was. I didn't think it was a miracle cure, but for the first time in my adult life I had relief. For anyone that has had to deal with the overwhelming pressures of an eating disorder, you can understand how the absence of that pressure can feel like a calm in the middle of a hurricane.

Once I settled into the Atkins way of life though, those urges resurfaced and I was once again sucked into the cycle of eating & either massive exercising or more often sticking my fingers down my throat to throw my meals back up ... but only when no one would be aware of what I was doing.

I never told anyone about my struggle. I never wanted to let on to the "normal people" that I dealt with the so-called gluttonous meals in that manner. I wanted the "newly reformed" to believe that by simply following a low-carb way of eating that they too could find good health and a sense of well being - because, logically, I knew that is how I SHOULD be feeling and I ought to be celebrating the freedom that this lifestyle affords ... BUT I did not experience it. But I should have, right?

I believed SO MUCH in this way of life that I wanted to help demonstrate that it was the sure way to success ... and hide the ugly route that I personally had traveled. I told myself that had I followed it by the book I too would have been a shining example - had it not been for my eating disorder. That complicated everything!

Having this secret way of dealing with "big" meals while my counterparts lamented about the calories and heaviness in their tummies made me feel so above it all and more in control.

I wish I could tell you some secret about how to "fix" this, but I don't have one and if there is some magical cure I want in on it!

The point of my message to you is to tell you that you are NOT alone and that you are not weird or unusual, and that there are oodles of ladies that are struggling right along with you. Most won't have the nerve to admit what I have, but I feel compelled to lay it all out here and now.

I hope that you do get this message and that you know that you are not alone!!!

Should you choose to follow Atkins or not - I hope that you will reach back out to me and let me know how you are doing...

Wendy

[*Wendy*]

Although we cannot see any new posts within the thread here, I know that this subject resonates with many on this site.

Thank you to all that have read it and I still hope that there will be some that will post & let all the rest of us know that we are not alone!

I am going to let my letter continue to be public ... as raw as it is and seemingly embarrassing ... the feedback I've received is very positive!

[nursemistyford]

Kudos! Much love and admiration for you honesty.

[RitaCeleste]

I don't throw up, I hate excercise. But I just don't eat. Today I had 440 calories in the form of chocolate protein drink mix. I had been eating that and a hamburger patty or two, some cheese or even A1 on the burgers. I'm suppose to be on induction again and I had a bite of peanutbutter and some peanuts last night and felt guilty. I put too much salt on my burgers and bloated. Sometimes I have salads with ham and cheese, or just lettuce with a little ranch. Over all I cut my calories too much, then I get cravings really bad and binge eat. I feel so bad to put up my ticker when I cut my calories so much. First time around, I lived off tuna and greenbeans to the point that to this day I don't feel like tuna. I had a problem with not eating much and excercising like crazy when I was in the 6th grade. I got down to 110lbs and I was wearing baggy clothes so no one could see how thin I was. I finally looked in the mirror and said "Hey, you look terrible, STOP IT!" This time I got to a size 14 and just stopped for awhile. I keep thinking I want to be 120lbs for a goal weight. I think that's probably too thin for me. I think 130 for a goal is kinda pushing it. 145 would probably look better. Is there a forum for people who have trouble eating 1000 calories a day? I either want to eat everything in the house, or punish myself for it by not eating hardly anything at all for days.

[*Wendy*]

Hi Rita,

I have been off line since the holidays (!) but I wanted to tell you that what you wrote really resonates with me ... the guilt, the rules, the self-imposed restrictions, the previous hiding of weight loss designed to cover up some sort of disorder ... (good grief - if anyone were to discover the awful truth!) ... and the give-and-take rationalization that we deal
with on a day-to-day basis just to maintain the status quo. I understand all of that.

For me personally, no one on this planet looking at me today would ever imagine that I have this demon on my back - they wouldn't understand the baggy clothes I've worn in the past to hide previous losses, [sure as **** not at the weight I am at now!] nor would they appreciate the understated way that I conduct my life today so as not to draw attention to anything about how I eat or the way I look.

You know, as I write this right now my pants (size 16 granted) are just barely hanging off the back of my butt and although I truly revel in that, I have to say that my "drawers" dropping down was just TOO much when the door bell rung a few days ago and my Pastor was standing on my stoop! Can you imagine!??! I went to open the door and as I stood there my "sweat pants" lost connection with my waist because I'd dropped so many pounds ... and there was my pastor! I grabbed at the crotch and hiked them up pronto, but I was so nervous and embarrassed! I know he saw my bare hip(s) and lower belly, but he is so much a gentleman and would never embarrass me by pointing out the obvious! [Plus, I moved & shifted everything around really quick!]

There was a time not so long ago in my memory that I weighed in at about 120 and I was full of muscle and lean meat at that weight ... my butt did not jiggle! ... That was just before I got pregnant and then again within a few months after I'd given birth to my darling daughter. (She will be 7 years old in a few weeks) But, things happen - such as a rotten loveless marriage - and physical issues such as my thyroid gland exhausting itself ... and private issues such as not connecting intimately with my "mate" ... to the point where he was so oblivious to my health issues he actually one day called me a "FAT PIG" ... then later in that same awful evening, "COW". I guess I pushed all of his buttons that night! He feels just awful about it now - he truly does understand the physical side-affects of the thyroid disorder that I have, but the emotional damage was imprinted that night and it won't ever go away.

Anyway,thank you for posting in this thread ... even though you don't "throw up" or exercise you have some tendencies (not eating enough for one!) that are in the same vein of what I'm dealing with every day. I hope more ladies will go ahead and post their stories here like you have!

Wendy

[Brook]

((((((Hugs)))))))

[RitaCeleste]

Oh I got some excercise tapes. And a ball. They are just waiting on me to get up the nerve to excercise again. I remember running in place in my room after my dad made me eat. I was in a really bad marriage. I flipped out, had a psychotic episode and divorced him. I still see him but we don't try to live together. He likes that I've lost weight sure. But he made love to me no matter what size I was. I know he likes me thinner. Yeah, he poked at my belly fat, still does. But I know he was there threw it all and that's enough. Let it be that way for you. He said hurtful things when he was really angery. But he didn't run off. My ex told me when we were dating and I got to 175 that if I got any fatter he would leave me. He so didn't. And even though I left him, we are together still, just not married. Most people wouldn't understand trying to hide the weightloss though. Or having that magic number in mind. 120lbs My fear of getting too thin and not knowing it is big. I got big, really big having my two kids. Now that I'm a size 14, my sister who is also overweight is saying I look NORMAL right now. She says I'm older, I'm not suppose to want to be that slim anyway. I try to get her to diet with me. She's at 280lbs right now. But she is getting hit on by cute bodybuilders who like her the way she is. She teases me because I still want to be thin. She doesn't get that its not about what other people think about how I look. Its not about getting a hot guy. It about me and what I see when I look in the mirror. Or rather what I see when I sit on the toilet, those flabby thighs and hips are just there!!! I avoid mirrors and as vain as I am, that's bad.

[RitaCeleste]

Oh, and I know exlax doesn't really work. But I always have some. With my sister living here, I don't use it as much. But normally if I eat chinese, I follow it with exlax. I can gain 7 lbs from a chinese dinner buffet. Water I know from all the salt. But still I can't handle seeing it on the scales.

[*Wendy*]

Originally Posted by Brook

((((((Hugs)))))))

((((((Hugs))))))) Back at you!

Thanks for viewing the thread, and you being the succes that you are, I sure hope you will post some words of wisdom when you get a chance!