Relative Criticizes Everyone's Weight

[Nutri_Nut]

I don't know if this is the correct place to ask this - and vent - but maybe someone can help me deal with this.

I have a family member who is thin, but eats what she wants and doesn't exercise. She is constantly criticizing everyone else's weight - even strangers she sees somewhere. No matter where we go, if she sees someone overweight, she makes a comment. Yesterday she told my 16-year old son he needs to lose weight - but he doesn't! She has made comments about me as well, although I walk and eat the same things she does - only less. Of course, this was before I started back to Atkins this past weekend. Now I eat low-carb again.

I don't take kindly to people who don't have to worry about their weight telling everyone else they need to lose weight. I don't want to be rude to her, but I can't think of anything to say to her to make her realize that she is fortunate not to have to worry about this. Why does she even feel like it's her "duty" to inform everyone they need to lose weight? Does she really believe she has "mastered" the weight problem and is, therefore, in a position to "help" everyone else? Please! She doesn't do ANYTHING to lose or maintain!!

Has anyone else met someone like this? How do I deal with the comments the next time?

[SugarFreeSheila]

People do only what they know they can get away with - and she knows she can get away with it with you, because there simply aren't any repercussions to deter her. I'd nip that in the bud now. Her comments are crass - but most importantly, unsolicited and thus simply none of her business.

May I ask if she is very elderly? If not, I would bluntly interrupt her next diatribe by deadpanning "Knock it off" every time she starts attacking your or your family's weight issues, and abruptly get up and walk away to leave her standing/sitting there alone. After a time or two of this, you'll be the one person she doesn't bother. Soon enough, she may lose her nerve altogether & stop this nonsense.

Whenever you're concerned about whether the above will offend or hurt her feelings, consider how much she is hurting others' feelings when she declares to them in public that they are fat.

[Moochiecat]

I would definitely call her on it as well. That's unacceptable.

I'd approach it from a different direction though...I'd ask her why she feels so compelled to judge others....what happened to her that she thinks this is acceptable for her to do...where is she coming from with this and what does she hope to achieve?

But definitely break her pattern, as Sheila suggests...ask her if she wants people to look forward to enjoying conversation with her, or dread it, because they know it'll come down to her criticizing their weight.

[Nutri_Nut]

First, you two look great! I am becoming more inspired to change my way of eating permanently by reading the messages here and seeing how successful you all are.

The first time I "did" Atkins (over two years ago), I did it for me. Actually, I was first motivated by a desire to prove that this way of eating did not work! The joke was on me: it worked! This time, I was motivated out of anger because of what other people around me thought ("You've gained some weight. You are going to lose it, aren't you?") I am not obese, but I grew up thin and have been thinner than I am now. I have knee problems, and I know losing weight would probably help alleviate some of the discomfort. But I feel more compelled to lose weight because it seems important to others. Stupid, right? I am just tired of the comments.

This person I'm referring to is my mother-in-law, and we have a good relationship. Other than her attitude towards and comments about those who are not thin, I have no complaints. But this is totally unacceptable. And now my 16-year old is a victim of these comments. I can tell it bothers him. He LOOKS GOOD, but when he was playing football, he got dreadfully skinny from the workouts and running. I guess his grandmother is comparing him now to the way he looked then, which is unfair.

Anyway, I don't want to be rude. I don't want to insult her. I would love to think of a way to handle this in a "witty" way that would make her stop and think. I don't know if it would be helpful to say something like, "Not everyone is blessed to have good metabolism like you. Some people eat the same foods you do, maybe less, and still gain weight. You are fortunate." Or just leave it at, "Not everyone is as fortunate as you to have good metabolism."

[Finelly]

Anyway, I don't want to be rude. I don't want to insult her. I would love to think of a way to handle this in a "witty" way that would make her stop and think. I don't know if it would be helpful to say something like, "Not everyone is blessed to have good metabolism like you. Some people eat the same foods you do, maybe less, and still gain weight. You are fortunate." Or just leave it at, "Not everyone is as fortunate as you to have good metabolism."

That won't work. It's too subtle and she simply won't get it.

You either need to be blunt: "Hey, I know you don't realize this, but you make comments about other people's weights CONSTANTLY! It's a bit disturbing, actually." (and you have to do it PRIVATELY, so she won't be embarassed in front of others)

Or, you need to be off-hand about it, and it may take a couple of times for her to get it: "Yah, I've decided I'm going to stop commenting on other people's weights. I'm going to start noticing their shoes. Look at those wedgies! How can she WALK?" (or "look at those sandals - I wonder where she got them?)

[Nutri_Nut]

Thanks for your suggestions.

[not2late]

One of my sisters has a husbandlike that. I can't stand him and I really don't need to interact with him so I don't. But a mother-in-law/grandmother is something different.

Anyhow, I think you should tell your son to ignore grandma's weight comments. As long as your son's doctor says his weight for his height and age is appropriate, he should not worry about what granny says.

You can also take granny aside and tell her that her comments about your son's weight are upsetting him and that she should cool it or risk having an adult grandson with a bunch of hang-ups OR an adult grandson who hates his overly critical grandmother.

[Elsie150]

Well being as it is a MIL it definately makes it harder to deal with in a diplomatic way. Is it possible for you to take her aside privately and say something like..."Mom...I know you love us and don't intend to hurt us, but when you make comments about me and Son's weight it really hurts our feelings..even though you are coming from a loving place with it. We are trying our best here and the comments are doing more harm than good. I just wanted to bring that to your attention as I know you would never intentionly say anything hurtful. I love you and don't want our relationship to become strained by my hurt feelings so I thought it better that I just tell you before it became a big problem and ruined our great friendship. I sure wouldn't want to lose a great person like you as a friend and I knew you would understand if I just talked to you about it because you are so caring about us all. What do you say?"

Notice the buttering up here? You are telling her what a great person she is...that way she is less likely to get upset. Now..if you have that talk and she still does it...you can say. "Gee Mom...we talked about that." And if it still continues then it is time to be more forceful.

The downfall is if she is not a really good MIL..you have just told her what your button is and she will push it. Good luck!

[cleochatra]

Anyway, I don't want to be rude. I don't want to insult her. I would love to think of a way to handle this in a "witty" way that would make her stop and think. I don't know if it would be helpful to say something like, "Not everyone is blessed to have good metabolism like you. Some people eat the same foods you do, maybe less, and still gain weight. You are fortunate." Or just leave it at,

I would have a sit-down with your mother-in-law, with your husband present.

You must both let her know that her discussion of weight issues is not an acceptable polite conversation topic.

You will let her know that she is loved, that she is a wonderful woman, and because of this her comments are hurtful and stop today.

You will let her know that the next time she mentions weight issues, eating issues, makes any comments whatsoever about weight, you, your husband, and your entire family will excuse yourselves from her presence. With no apologies and with no excuses.

Your family does not have to deal with emotional/verbal abuse at the hands of someone who has a captive audience.

[fawn]

Like I tell most who choose to criticize me or my wol

KEEP YOUR OWN PORCH CLEAN!