Anyone sabotage themselves by fear?

[guekjian]

I have been doing this for a few months now...lost 13lbs, have another 16 to go...and I have not been sticking to plan. Just got a flash (that happens to me sometimes). The last time I was thin, my marriage fell apart...Now I am with a wonderful man, but he is jealous. He doesn't understand why I want to lose weight because "I look fine" (btw this is a big compliment coming from him). I know he doesn't want other men looking at me, and I know that they will more once I get the extra weight off. Dilemna...I am eating right, but not drinking right and not exercising (although I am going back to the gym tuesday thanks to my daughter's desire to go with me) I just don't know how I can change my mind set so that I won't associate re-becoming thin with a relationship failing (again)...and I just don't know how to be rational about this and yes...I do want to make goal...but I am afraid...pretty messed up huh

[dimar97]

I think you have to want to do it - or not want to do it for yourself, not for anyone else. It won't work any other way. If you lose weight and he is upset - then there is trouble. But if you don't and you are unhappy with yourself - then you resent him and there is trouble. no win situation. He has to deal with his insecurities - which is what they are - and it has nothing to do with you. You just happen to be the one he is projecting them on to. Stick to your guns that you are doing this for YOURSELF and to be healthy and not to "get men to look at you!" As my girlfriend (wife and mother of two boys) says - I 've got three boys at home as it is - why would I want another one??? good luck!

[guekjian]

Thanks Dimar...I will remember that...

[echomike23]

see this as a health issue without bringing back some bad memories of the past. i have the same issue as well. the only time in my life (up until now) that i was thin, was when i was in the military. i NEVER thought that i would be thin as a civilian. guess what, it happened! im thinner and in good health and im not a soldier anymore. i no longer have to associate one thing with another. funny thing however is that now that im thinner, im going back into the national guard.

[PaulaMM]

From where I stand, there seems to be a major control issue here. He doesn't want other men to look at you? Why? He should be proud of having an attractive woman at his side. It's human nature to look.

It sounds to me as though he has problems with insecurity. Perhaps he had an experience with a cheating woman. However, if he can't accept that you love only him and would never cheat on him no matter how you look, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. You can't change him, period. He has to make that change himself.

Please don't give anyone this kind of control over you. Sure, it may be just a little thing and having a heart to heart can resolve it. However, a lot of times, the little things become even bigger things until you've found yourself in a really bad situation. First it's weight. Then what you wear. Then who you talk to. Get my drift?

Perhaps I've read too much into this but this post raised a red flag for me.

[dreamof145]

Are you sure you aren't focusing on 'looks' more than some other issue? I believe if you and your sweetie discuss what characteristics about each other that you love...then you'll be more secure in your relationship.

I'm sure to him - your weight isn't a factor but it is to you. Once he understands your feelings...then he'll be able to accept your weight loss more. The important thing is that he knows you love him and you know he loves you. Include him in your plan to lose the weight. Explain why you want to lose it and how it will help your self esteem. Being more comfortable in your body will only make you a happier and more secure person...which should make him happy. Its important that you do this for you and your health. Jeopardizing yourself for another person will leave you miserable and cause resentment towards him.

[echomike23]

As a guy who has been cheated on, i can tell you that it's not what your lady looks like but WHAT SHE DOES WITH HER LOOKS. Fear of losing your loved one doesn't have anything to do with weight. i see plenty of obese people attract someone and cheat on their loved ones. now that im older and wiser, i tend to be VERY observant of a woman's character and how she presents herself.


I dont think i would be threatened if some guy looks at someone i'm dating. i would be, however looking at my loved one react to being looked at. as you lose weight you are going to get noticed more, that's just the fact of it. I'm quite sure that your partner will overcome this fear and welcome your new self.

[GaynorA]

Hello my luv. Sounds like you are in a bit of a pickle. Everyone has given you really good advice. Can I just say well done to everyone for being so honest about stuff. I understand the fear factor too. I was repeatedly sexually abused from age 9 - 17 and just kept piling on weight because I was too scared to be "small" because it made me feel vulnerable. I had to really work at breaking the association between the two things. I agree with what's been said so far. Just because something happened when you were thin, doesn't mean it was because you were thin. Try to think about all the reasons it happened. Also, your hubby (bless him) does sound a bit insecure and controlling. He needs to know that you love him fat and you will love him when you are thin. He also needs to clearly understand that it is your body and you have the right to choose to become thinner and healthier - and that it isn't a reflection on him. If he truly loves you, he will celebrate your successes with you. All the best with it all honey. You keep talking to us yeah.

[guekjian]

I am sorry for what happened to you Gaynor. And I am happy that you are well now. Paula, you did not say too much...the clothing thing has come up...and yes, he was cheated on twice...by his wife, and the girlfriend he had after her. I am the third woman and he is terrified I am going to do the same thing no matter how often I tell him that the past is the past...Don't know how I am going to deal with it, but thank you all for your comments...and I will NOT GIVE UP!!!

[dimar97]

I know couple's counseling is a big taboo to many (and I am a social worker!) but he has a LOOOONG history here which may not get resolved with a simple heart to heart. On top of it guys usually resist even considering something like that but it seems to me like you will have issues whether or not you lose weight...it may be worth pursuing. good luck