Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

[shelly808]

While I was sort-of checked out of life for the past 7 years or so...(drinking), I stopped going to the beach which used to be almost a daily ritual.

So I have been wanting to get walking on the beach again (I live literally a 3-5 minute walk from kailua beach - a gorgeous beach). I went yesterday in the early evening and stayed there for an hour until it was almost completely dark outside...just awesome.

The thing is, I need to get in the water. My doctor and physical therapist said it is a must for me....I have achillies and foot tendon issues and I have a tendionitis in my psoas and groin area....it sux.

So I said to myself last night, thats it I am getting in the water, tomorrow I will go buy a suit or shorts...some kind of garb that will suffice as a suit for me to swim. Just came back from Rosses and YIKES!!! It's just not good.

I have been sober and with it now for well over a year, yet I deprive myself of a good form of exercise (not to mention just the spiritual nature of being in the ocean)...because I am ashamed of my body. I am frustrated that I am having a hard time of letting go of what other people think...I am sure it's an ego thing and it's silly.

Anyone else ever been here? How did you get over it.

I would appreciate any comments, suggestions or direction.

Aloha,
Shelly

I would post pictures of my beach, so you can see what an idiot I am ... but I don't know how!!!

[kibskix]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

everyone feels that way sometimes, why not try a pool somewhere first and ease yourself into it, or go with some friends?

[shelly808]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

Hi kibs...

Thanks for replying...

The beach is less crowded then the local ywca pool or community pool, especially in the late afternoon...Kailua beach is not in a touristy area like Waikiki, it's on the windward side of the island in a residential area. Its a long stretch of beach where I could walk and stop at an area where there is hardly anyone.....I think I just need to do it.

Here is where I am emotionally....going with friends would never happen! Even husband has not seen me w/o clothes for years.

Thanks for your thoughts
Shelly

[kibskix]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

My boyfriend wants me to go tubing down the river this summer, and i initially told him noooo friggin way. there's no way i'd be out in PUBLIC in a bathing suit, i havent even worn shorts in years. and living in texas, thats saying a lot about how i felt about my body. i used to fake a fear of water when i was younger so people wouldn't invite me to water parks. you'll find though that even just losing a little bit of weight, or getting in the habit of working out for a few weeks makes you look better and feel more confident even not at your goal weight. the bf is one of those shameless guys who will just wander around the house naked if you let him, and while he's certainly seen me sans-clothes, i certainly dont feel comfortable running around nude with him lol, i still turn my back to him when i change clothes. i bugs him, but the more i lose, the less i'm worried about my weight and the more proud i am that i've -lost- weight. it'll get easier, i promise! if you go swimming, i'll get up the courage to go workout at the gym in front of strangers *gasp* lol

[perchance]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

I felt the same way about swimsuits when I decided to enroll in a water-aerobics class. I went onto the Land's End webite and ordered a black swimsuit and black swim shorts. I was extremely pleased with the cut of the suit - size 16W modestly covers my size 16-18 self. The shorts have a sewn-in panty that I used a seam ripper to take out. I was still extremely self-conscious at my first class but imagine my surprise when I noticed 80% of the ladies were also wearing black suits with black shorts! And the other 20% were just letting it all hang out! And there is every shape and size imaginable as well as alll sorts of things I've never seen. Leg vein maps. Super sagginess. Untrimmed bikini areas. But the thing is we ALL have that stuff and my self-conciousness has diminished since going to class. I mean, yeah, people are always going to check one another out but I doubt anyone looks at someone and thinks ewwwww! Unless they're 15. Even then I figure I could always look at a kid if they reacted like that and say, HAHA! Look what YOU get to look forward to!

[Adena]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

Shelly, I agree with looking for a suit online... something like the Land's End variety. There are also alot of cute suits with tank-like tops and skirts. Not the kind your grandma used to wear, but something more like a tennis skirt.

That said... I think it's just something you have to bite the bullet and do. Think of it this way... no one gives a HOOT about how you look, especially in light of how you described the beach. They are too worried about how THEY look.

I'm much heavier than you, and when I first go out in my suit (at the beach or the pool with the kids), I'm really self conscious for a few minutes. And then I get into whatever I'm doing, and decide I'm NOT going to deprive myself of this experience because I feel fat. Besides, most of the time, I assume you'll be IN the water, which acts as a good camoflauge.

If you want to post photos, you can get a free account at photobucket and copy and paste the link here. Or, I believe you can upload pictures onto this site (look for the photo tab/link), and copy the link into your journal.

Good luck to you!

[shelly808]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

Kibs - The funny thing is I do exercise! I actually coach a great group of 50's years and older ladies 3X a week. And I have been biking and walking a couple of days a week as well for a couple of months now....did not lose 1 freaking lb up until a couple of days ago when I started Atkins! I am really excited about atkins-can ya tell?
Hey, You got a deal...I will definetly let you know the day I enter the ocean!

Thanks for the tip Kibs and Adena, I'll check out the web for a suit - I never thought of that because nothing ever fits me right these days - my boobs and stomach grew to mammoth proportions! Well o.k., they at least feel and look mammoth like to me.

Trust me Adena, I know people are not ogling me, and probably would never eve notice me, and it's annoying as **** to me when others behave this way! My size 5 biathlon sister has been trying to get me in the water with her for a couple of years now...she will NEVER get it...love the fact that you guys "get it".

Your funny Perchance, I like the way you think. Thanks for your water aerobics story, nothing like pubes to help put things in perspective here!

Thanks for the attention everyone.
Shell

[Elizellen]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

Just a thought, Shell, do you 'have' to wear a swim suit?

I live near the beach (the cold English Channel) and see many people in the sea wearing teeshirts and jeans or other clothes.

[misplaced southerner]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

do you have a kohl's where you live. i noticed in the ad this past week that they sell REALLY cute bathing suits that look like board shorts and a tank top (looks like a workout tank.)....so stinkin' cute that i might even go get one for the beach.

you know, i grew up at the beach in NC and spent my whole youth running around half "nekked" in the sand and sun. now that i live in CA, i still enjoy the beach. it is more fun now only because i feel less self conscious than i did when i was 220 pounds. but my weight loss came post divorce and i decided that the new me, heavy or not,was going to LIVE MY LIFE....and that included going to the beach with my kids.

all "those people" at the beach....they could go on home and live their lives and probably would NEVER think twice about seeing me at the beach. on the other hand, i would go home and mourn the fact that i missed out on the fun. NO MORE!

find something you feel comfy in and JUST DO IT. "those people" mean nothing to you. they are not along for your weight loss ride. they are not there to support you or not. live your life for YOU. trust me, the JOY you will feel from taking part in things you love will FAR overshadow any negative feelings you might experience from total strangers.

let us know how the shopping goes!

[jennbeingme]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

I "get" being embarrassed about your weight and not wanting to be seen in public ( been there- done that) - I really do but-- It drives me crazy when vibrant, intelligent women allow the mass media ( and their portrayal of skinny being the ideal body type) to keep them from doing things that would be fun, exciting and active. There is no way anyone should be so embarrassed about how they look that they do not participate in activities that they truly enjoy. After all, aren't the majority of people in north america overweight right now? Don't we keep hearing about an obesity epidemic?
Please- feel good about who you are- losing weight doesn't change "you" it's like getting a new coat of paint on a car- improves the look and lifetime of what's inside. I don't think you can put your life on hold until you lose the weight- I think you need to live your life the way you want to continue to live when the weight is gone. Maybe it all rolls in together- who knows
Start as you mean to continue.......
Enough of me being preachy- this has just been one of my hobby horses for a while- that and wearing glasses being uncool- they are so not!

Land's End has really cute suits.

Jenn



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[bikinidreams]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

That's where I got my username from! I've never been comfortable going in the ocean or a pool, not since I was a little kid (probably 9 years old). I am focusing on losing the weight, and using that dream as motivation to enjoy the ocean for once!

My local gym has a pool in it, and I felt fine there because I went at a less crowded time. I suggest finding a pool, and daydreaming about the ocean to keep you motivated!

[imagood1]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

Shelly -- welcome to ADBB and sobriety! It feels great doesn't it?!!!! The way I deal with uncomfortable situations today is I reason with myself. I don't remember what I did when I was a drunk so how can this be any worse? When someone smirks or snickers as I come their way I flash a big smile and say hello....the old "kill them with kindness" rule! This is something you need to do for your health, who cares what people do or say? Are you the only overweight person ever to walk on the beach and get into the water?? NO get something you feel comfortable wearing and get yourself into the water. Once you get in your body feels so light and the pressure is off all your joints...it's a great place to look forward to how you see yourself when you get to your goal. Good luck to you -- one day, one step until you meet your goal!!

[marcella]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

Great post Jennbeingme!

Sometime I fear that I am the object of someone's snickering and finger pointing. Having said that, most people are too busy having their own fun to pay that much attention to me, so I wear a swimming suit anyway.

It says something about our society that even women and girls who are thin think they look horrible in a swimming suit. Why is our self-esteem based on how we look? Very interesting.

Brings me to a story I want to share that is off the subject....

I am a fiddle player. Once, when I was finished performing, I came off the stage, and had someone (who I considered to be a very good friend) come up to me laughing and said "so much for the typical thin, cute girl-type who usually are the fiddle players". I was crushed. What did my weight have to do with my fiddle playing? But I just laughed along.

[Kathi22]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

Shelly - first of all, excellent in being sober. That itself is an amazing success. As for the bathing suit, well, screw it. Put on a suit and a nice cover up (check out justmysize.com) and go for it. Once you are in the water no one will see you, don't worry about it!!!!

[shelly808]

Re: Feeling a bit ashamed, frustrated and deprived.

First off, congratulations on all you guys with your phenomenal weight loss!

Elizellen, you know, that is the conclusion I came to yesterday...shorts and a tee. Tks.

Southerner, we don't have a kohls but I will look around for one of those suits!

I know what you mean Jen, like I was saying it bugs the heck out of me when other people think or behave the way I am....but usually they are about 6 inches wide!

You know one thing I didn't mention, which I think is a factor here is that I owned a ladies only gym here for 5 years here in my town and can't go to any of the local grocery, drug or clothing stores like macys, or quite often the beach w/o running into one of the ladies that was a member. It sucks that I feel the need to explain my largeness to everyone I bump into.

Regardless, I just need to get over it and get to swimming!