I can no longer deny I'm a STACer

[Adena]

I've resisted the thought that I need to be here. I keep telling myself that because I haven't gained all my weight back, I'm not really a "second time arounder." I keep telling myself I'm just going through a rough patch, but have never really left, Atkins or ADBB and therefore, this isn't my second time... it's still my first time. But this "rough patch" has been going on since August of 2007. I've made some progress since then, but also lost some ground. Lately, I've lost more ground than I've gained. Or more accurately, I've gained more than I've lost...

I think I've resisted coming here because it signifies that I've failed the first time. But clearly, whether or not I've regained all my weight, I HAVE failed at staying on plan. And I have tried repeatedly over the past 6 months to get back on track. Sometimes it works, but for the long term, it doesn't. I feel myself going back to old, secretive, guilty, out-of-control eating habits. I wake up hopeful and go to bed feeling discouraged.

I had such incredible freedom from this feeling when I was on 100% on plan for nearly a year. I can't even described how good I felt, how CHANGED. But I don't have to find the right words, because I know you guys already know.

My lowest weight ever on Atkins was 191 this past fall. I've hovered in the high 190s/low 200s for the past few months. I think I'm at 207 right now. Yesterday I walked by a wall of mirrors in a salon and my butt and stomach were sticking out a lot further than they have in a long time. All my new smaller clothes are tight, and I'm having to wear girdle-like things to smooth out the bulges. And I've given away ALL my big clothes, so I have nothing left to go back to. I truly didn't think I'd ever need them again.

I'm not even enjoying the forbidden foods I'm eating... okay, maybe a few things taste really good, but as I eat most of it, I'm thinking to myself... this really isn't even worth it. Yet I keep eating it.

I just can't find that will power again. This is harder than it was the first time for sure. Which is crazy because THIS time, I know first hand how easy it is once I get into the groove; I know how good I feel on Atkins; I know how not worth it all that crap food is. So, armed with all this knowledge, you'd think that would make it easy to just white-knuckle through induction, and then those first few weeks, until it starts to feel a lot easier. Because I know how GOOD it is on the other side. But I'm fighting it tooth and nail.

I can't even bring myself right now to go back to my journal. I have no idea how many times over the past 6 months I've recommitted myself. I'm embarrassed to do it again.

So I've come here. I'm hoping I can glean something here that I haven't found elsewhere. Although I know that what I really need to find is within myself somewhere...

[Alexa]

Hi Adena,

That is a brave post - it is hard to admit you are struggling especially, I think as you haven't been away. Since August 2007 I've been dealing with the same struggle, I've re-started, I'd estimate about ten times at least since then. It is weird because, like you said it is so good when you're in the groove and cheating or whatever is not an issue.

However, I think you should also think of what you've achieved. You ran a marathon right?! That is full commitment to your health, even if you didn't get the food right all the time. Also, by hanging on in there, keeping trying and not going and gaining it all and coming back you show you have got the determination not to give up and the awareness that this WOL is long term. It's just a bumpy ride.

I hear you on the giving away of clothes - but that's why you did it I guess - it's an alarm system

I really hope you can get back on the wagon for good - I think i know how it feels to be half on half off for ages and not enjoying it. I'm still in that uneasing not trusting myself place now.

Best of luck - and remember you are a great inspiration to loads of people around here!

[julirama723]

Adena, thank you for that post--it was very open and honest and brave.

Can you see how wide-open my arms are? That's to give you a big hug and to welcome you to STAC. It doesn't matter the reason that you are here, only that you ARE HERE and dedicating yourself to Atkins again.

Don't be a stranger here, even if you decided to go MIA from your journal. Keep posting and keep talking. And I expect 83.61 posts to my journal each day at the very minimum.

{{{{{{{{{{ADENA}}}}}}}}}}}

[hopejoy]

Hey Adena,
that was a brave and great post! You are in a scary spot having given away all your clothes and struggling with food addictions. That marathon you ran was amazing! I'm so inpired by that! and I'm wondering if your body is needing more nutrition which is triggering food cravings after all that expenditure of energy....???? I'm certainly no expert... but welcome to STAC and don't be too hard on yourself. You have accomplished so much. Is it really necessary for you to go all the way back to a clean induction for you to feel successful? Maybe your body needs the fruits or something else? just a thought. do a level that you can be successful at JUST FOR A DAY and see where that takes you. hang in there.
hugs,
liz

[Sheepie]

Why would you deny the STACers?? Why, it's almost worth quitting this woe and starting over just to join this STAC board!! Don't be embarrassed. We are very cool and this is the place to be. No more feeling sorry for yourself. A fresh start, new friends, you can't lose, well, I mean you will lose. Don't forget to join the daily check-in post. It helps to keep you accountable. I haven't lost much since this past summer either. There are a few of us hovering around 200lbs, so we definitely understand. Welcome.

[colleenieweenie]

I think many of us on the STACer board have been exactly where you are right now. No one wants to admit failure - it sucks wind. You haven't failed though. You recognized some issues and have come to resolve them - Good for you!
WELCOME!!!!
Best of luck to you!

[Adena]

Alexa, I appreciate what you said about the marathon, but the problem is that I've been using that -- and anything else I can think of -- as a crutch for too long. Or saying to myself.... well, at least I'm running. Well, that's not enough. I can probably credit my running to not having gained more back, but that's probably where I need to stop giving credit. That said, I'm proud of what I've accomplished... but the food demons are starting to overshadow everything, you know?

Thanks, Julie. I need that hug. I'm not sure I've said much that I haven't already said in my journal, but it feels different here.... and by being here I'm trying to admit that I've departed (even if not completely) -- and I'm trying to come BACK.

Thanks, Liz... I have tried that half-way back approach, and it doesn't work for me either, unfortunately. I think that part of my problem is that for a long time, I've considered myself "better than" having to start completely over. I mean, since I never totally went away, do I really have to start back at square one? But I think I've finally realized that I'm no different than a newbie at this point -- not at least in terms of my body's reaction to carbs, and all the crap I've been putting into it. I've been confusing it for too long... Thanks too, for the marathon good wishes, but I do have to stop leaning on that as a crutch/excuse to go off plan, you know? One "good deed" does not give me permission to be slack otherwise, and I think that's exactly what I've been doing lately...

Thanks for the welcome, Sheepie. Or course I don't mean to dis you terrific STACers. For me, it's just a matter of admitting I've COMPLETELY lost control again and have no choice but to start back at square one. It's no longer a rough patch. I'm OFF plan, and it's time to come BACK.

Thanks, Colleen -- I knew you guys could relate, which is why I figured it was time to join you. I appreciate the welcome.

[snap]

Welcome! I can relate to the giving away all the clothes that were too big. I did that also. Because, like you, I never planned or thought that I would ever fit into them again. Now... I do not have a single pair of jeans in my closet that fit me. Talk about a rude awakening! I felt like keeping those big clothes was like giving myself permission to be that size again... anyways.... I am going to fit into everything again. Actually, they are going to be too big one day. And, I will gather them up and put them in the local donation box.
You will get back on track. Before you know it the pounds will start falling off. Keep the faith and come here often. The stac folks are awesome. I don't post all that much. But, I read the board everyday. It keeps me motivated and focused. And. most of all....it lets me know that I am not alone in my struggle. A difficult path is indeed more easily traveled with friends.

Hugs...
Tina

[OzLover]

Adena

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling...we've all been there & some of us are right there with you. I think the honesty in your post is a huge step. Sometimes confession is a step forward. Keep posting, keep talking about how you are feeling & you'll get the support that you need at this time.

[Evermind]

Yep, yep. You belong here. But it's not so bad. We are the coolest people around. Honest.

I know exactly what you mean about not having the willpower. It's really tough, and no matter what advice you get from people, it all boils down to WILLINGNESS. Being willing to do what you have to. And if you aren't willing, you won't stick to it. That's really the cause of all of our backsliding.

I don't know about anyone else, but willingness is not something I can just reach out and grab when I want it. I can't coax myself into it, meditate myself into that mindset, or bribe myself. I either am or am not.

I know that for me, I was not willing to do 2 weeks of induction. Or reinduction. Just wasn't. I would go ok for a few days, but never could make it past that. The willingness wasn't there. It was just too big of a chunk to bite off for me.

So here's the deal: See if you can commit to doing induction for 5 days. Just five. That's all you have to do. After 5 days, if you want to eat a pound of Little Debbie Snack cakes in one sitting, you can.

Just five days. Can you do it?