Dear God or Atkins buddies, please help me

[Barb1965]

I'm really asking for support, I hope this doesn't get too long to bore you all.

I'm struggling, I'm struggling very hard, not with the woe, but with life in general on this Labor Day Weekend.

Last Labor Day weekend my family, myself, hubby and kids, mom, brother, sister and her son and other sister and husband decided to start a new family tradition and go camping on Labor Day weekend together, we had never done that before.

We had a great time. Unfortunately it was the last time I ever saw my younger sister. We talked on the phone almost every week and were looking forward to seeing each other again for Thanksgiving, but it never happened. She dropped dead from a brain aneurysm a week after she turned 38 and 2 days before Thanksgiving last year.

This weekend is hard for not only me but my mom in particular and the rest of the family, as it was the last time we were ever all together.

This is what threw me off of my Atkins way of life a year ago, I just threw in the towel and drank like a fish. I quit eating and drank. Finally about a month ago, I decided enough is enough and if my little sis saw what I was doing she would have kicked me in the ***. So I gave up the alcohol and got back on my low carb way. I was doing great, almost a month alcohol free, and over a week of perfectly clean induction

But this holiday weekend is literally killing me, my heart is broken and I miss her so much. I drank about 9 beers tonight and felt so sick I made myself vomit to get rid of it.

I hurt mentally and physically from this almost year old shock. I had a deep tissue massage scheduled for Wednesday with a lovely young woman that came to my house. When she got there she told me right off to not be concerned about some welps on her arms, that it was nothing contagious, that she had been having an allergic reaction to something and they couldn't figure it out, but she had taken a Prednisone and two Benydry and should be fine.

About 20 minutes into the massage, she says "I'm sorry, I need to go check my face in the mirror". I directed her to the bathroom, and when she didn't come out after a few minutes, I put my top on and went to see if she was okay. I asked "do we need to stop? Are you okay?" She said, "I need to go to the Hospital". I asked her if she wanted me to call an ambulance, she declined, I offered to drive her and her response was "I have about 20 minutes from the time my face does this until my throat starts swelling, I have my cell phone". We live in the country, you can't even make it to a grocery store in 20 minutes.

I've wanted to call her since Wednesday and see if she is okay, but since I just met her it seems weird. I wanted this deep tissue massage to deal with a lot of stress I've been carrying since my sister died. I'm still in pain and hurting although she did work out all the kinks in my upper shoulders, it seems to have moved down my back since she didn't get to finish.

I feel so bad that she got sick, but feel like I lost my only chance of maintaining my sanity this weekend. I hurt both mentally and physically. And for whatever reason, I returned to alcohol to sooth the pain.

I think I'll go puke again and try again tomorrow.

[MelissaF_07]

I can't imagine the pain you are going through. HUGS. I am a huge proponent of therapy. It has literally saved my life, my marriage, and my kids many times over. I am also taking herbal supplements to help with mood. These kinds of emotional trauma's aren't just going to get better or go away on their own. Get some help with your struggles. There are people trained to help you. Let them.
Also - journal, take up something like kickboxing. Get the feelings *OUT* of you. You can even write letters to your sister. It will help you work through the emotions you feel surrounding her death.

I hope you find some measure of peace. HUGS!!

[mizski]

Dear Barb, Dealing with a sudden death is never easy...there isn't any real closure it seems so that shock and sadness seems to linger on.

My dad was ill for a couple of years before he passed so I was prepared for it. However, when I lost my mom suddenly last year because of hospital error, I was devastated and that threw me into a downward tailspin of shock, grief and overeating (I regained 60#s).

For reasons that still baffle me today, I never drank though. Now, I used to enjoy my cocktails quite a bit but gave them up when I became caregiver to my parents. In my mind, I knew my dad's health was failing and I knew that the time would come that I may need to make critical decisions. And...that day did come. Still, why I didn't pick up a bottle when my mom passed amazes me to this day.

I'm glad I didn't. Yes, eating and regaining 60#s of weight was not a smart move but without booze, I was more clear headed. Meaning I felt all those awful emotions and that gut wrenching emptiness and loss. The good part about that I think is that as time passed, I got to work through those emotions.

It seems to get a little better as time goes on but that empty spot in my heart will probably always be there. Instead of being in a continual powerless abyss of grief, I now do positive things to honor the memory of my mom (and my dad). For instance, I'm in the process of putting together their years of old photos in digital format to share as a DVD with family and as both my parents were great cooks, I'm putting together a cookbook (complete with old photos of them) of their recipes. I hope to publish early next year. That, among other things, has helped me accept things and move on with my life.

We all have to move on when these things happen. I empathize with your grief and I hope you can discover a way to find some solace in your life too.

ETA: I don't think it would be weird if you called to see how the massage therapist is doing.

[imagood1]

Barb -
I've walked in your shoes as have others on this board. Thanks to a moment of clear headedness a few years ago I got sober and have stayed that way. When you open that beer nothing changes - your emotions don't get any better, they get worse and when you force yourself to throw up you're doing your body no good favors.

Nothing can change your grief except talking about it to someone - find a good therapist that can let you heal. If you can't afford a therapist look to your church for help. We can help keep you on track with your weight loss. AA can help keep you strong and away from booze. I have my first 30 day chip that I carry with pride - that was the difference in living and giving up for me.

Call the hospital and ask how the young lady is - by now she's probably been released - allergic reactions are scary (my husband gets that way with bee stings - we carry a pen where ever we go).

Find a center point this weekend - remember good things with your sister, not how she left your life -- celebrate the fact that you were fortunate enough to have her and remember, she is with you all the time. No reason to miss her, all you have to do is talk to her - she'll hear you.

Good luck - we're here to help however we can.

[Mick2360]

Hi Barb, It sounds as though you are dealing with a lot. Alcohol seems like it will offer a respite and it delivers only pain, shame and humiliation. I'm guessing that you already know this. I have been sober for sixteen years....by the grace of God. I walked into an AA meeting and said that I really wasn't sure why I was there but I knew I couldn't stop drinking. It was a very positive experience and I got a new life.

I'm sorry for your loss. That being said, the good part of drinking is far in the past. If you need help call AA in your phone book. They will help you today. I hope that you come back to this thread. PM me if you need any help.

Warm regards,
Mick

[Barb1965]

Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom. I got that beer off my stomach and got right back on plan Saturday morning. I think Imagood1 made a good point, nothing changed by opening that beer can. I think I just need to follow this woe,and know that I still have healing to do as I've masked it with alcohol for the last 10 months, some of the feelings come in waves like it was just yesterday.

Luckily the scale still moved in the right direction this weekend, I just wish I could find my appetite. Thanks again!

[Sd1136]

hi
Today is my husbands birthday, he would have been 54 if he had lived. He died at 39. He walked out the door to get a christmas tree with the kids, and collapsed and died on the spot.
But I took my depression and grief and I ate and I ate and ate.
It didnt bring him back, it only made my worse and all.
Eating the wrong food and drinking isnt solving anything, it really isnt, and you still remember in the end. It prolongs the grief and all. The pain does get better, you are able to put it in a different place, where it isn't so raw.
What I did which helped as I didnt have anyone to talk to about it, was start a journel, I wrote letters to him, to other people, etc. I wasnt always nice, cause alot of people annoyed me with their canned responses _ oh God wanted someone good in heaven. things like that. SO i said things that I would never say to their face.
I never reread what i wrote and I made sure i tore it up. But it helped
Do you have someone to talk to?
If you need to talk, I am here!
You will get past this, it will hurt but the light at the end of the tunnal wont always be a train
hugs!!!!

[imagood1]

Originally Posted by Sd1136

hi
Today is my husbands birthday, he would have been 54 if he had lived. He died at 39. He walked out the door to get a christmas tree with the kids, and collapsed and died on the spot.
But I took my depression and grief and I ate and I ate and ate.
It didnt bring him back, it only made my worse and all.
Eating the wrong food and drinking isnt solving anything, it really isnt, and you still remember in the end. It prolongs the grief and all. The pain does get better, you are able to put it in a different place, where it isn't so raw.
What I did which helped as I didnt have anyone to talk to about it, was start a journel, I wrote letters to him, to other people, etc. I wasnt always nice, cause alot of people annoyed me with their canned responses _ oh God wanted someone good in heaven. things like that. SO i said things that I would never say to their face.
I never reread what i wrote and I made sure i tore it up. But it helped
Do you have someone to talk to?
If you need to talk, I am here!
You will get past this, it will hurt but the light at the end of the tunnal wont always be a train
hugs!!!!

Amen Sandi ---

It took years of therapy to get me through the toughest times in my life (before booze). I took everything I learned in therapy (5 different people I went to - not just 1) - and when I stopped drinking I put them into practice...I did the same thing when I stopped smoking a couple years ago ---I'm trying to do the same thing with my weight.....

Barb, find what works for you -- not for us -- we aren't the same so what works for someone else may not be right for you. You will be stronger each day - you have to believe that and want to make things better in your life. If not you'll wallow in self-pity .... and that's not what you want to do and hopefully won't be what you do!

Take care - I'm online most of the time if you need anything.