Too fat to go home for thanksgiving

[Evergirl]

I'm so embarrased to go home to see my family for thanksgiving. They are so hard on anyone who has gained weight. They make awful comments which is why I worked so hard to lose the weight the first time. My aunt made a comment last time I eas home in feb. She said your gaining that weight back you better get on it. I don't want to go but my husband has never spent time with my family for thanksgiving. Every holiday with my family has been a disaster yet my DH is a glutten for punishment. I've been avoiding people and faking illnesses just because I'm so ashmaed to see anyone I used to know. Just need a pep talk I guess!

[atkinsgal08]

Seems to me it's your family that needs the wake up call!

How rude??

I suppose that their lives are perfect ... and that nothing has ever befallen them.

>>I don't want to go but my husband has never spent time with my family for thanksgiving. >>

Does he really need to spend time with them at Thanksgiving? Maybe a less stressful time would be better for a visit?

[kmuldrow]

I agree with Atkinsgal. If they start in on you, just tell them you're an adult and you don't need anyone chastising you over anything. If you want, you can tell them that if they are going to treat you that way, you'll never darken their doorway again.

If that doesn't work, start in on their skeletons. They'll shut up real quick when they become the subject like they try to make you and your weight the subject.

Be a straight shooter. Lay it out there.

[CameoMom]

Hello Evergirl,
Well, I don't know if this helps or not, but my family is the same with me. I haven't seen my mother in 4 years because of her critical and judgmental ways. I lost 24 pounds and was weighing 138 and a size 6! the last time I was on Atkins, and when she saw me she still found something on my figure to criticize. My figure and/or weight are not the problem--she and my other family members are.

I think we both have to learn not to take it to heart when our family members have critical and judgmental things so say. I know how tough that is, believe me!

I am currently restarting Atkins because unfortunately, I will be visiting my family in mid-December. Oh boy, fun! NOT! I am currently at my highest weight I have been in my life, and I would not hear the end of it if I was to go home right now. Both my mom and my sister make it a point to tell me how much they weigh when I speak to them on the phone. They tell me how little they eat, and generally make it seem like I am "not good enough" if I am not a size 5.

I am telling you this I guess to vent and to bond with you on this issue with family. I hope you have a wonderful, judgment-free visit with your family. They just need to realize that there is more to you than the number on the scale. Your pant size does not define who you are.

I know how hard it is dealing with this. I am sending you warm hugs and best wishes.

[chinadoll]

Hey all, these family issues are sticky. I used to listen to a radio pop psych shoe by a Dr Joy Brown back when I was young and newly married and dealing with the same stuff you are now. My mom sounds just like your families and she is a little size 4 when i was an 18/20/22 (depending on the year).

Dr Joy had a lot of psychobabble but the one thing she used to say is "The only behavior you can change is your own."

Well, every time I went home to the folks, my mom would start in the moment I came in the door. And finally I decided to change my behavior. When I went to visit, I found a quiet time the first day and pulled her aside.

I told her calmly and firmly, that I love her and come to see her and spend time with her but that she makes every visit torture 24/7 because she never ever stops criticizing and nagging about my weight. I told her it hadn't worked in 28 years so what made her think it would work this time.

Then I told her that the visits with her make me feel so bad about myself that I decided I wasn't going to stay if it happens again SO I needed her to agree not to nag or criticize my weight during this or any other visit, OR I WOULD LEAVE.

She tried the "Poor me, fine. Leave and don't see your family." I told her I love to see them but not at the expense of feeling miserable and unloved all weekend. That I was sorry but she had no idea how badly her words make me feel and how many weeks after each visit I would be down, when what I really wanted was to enjoy her company and cherish the little bit of family time we have at holidays.

She was not happy, but several hours later she came and apologized because she was "just trying to help" and had no idea how I felt. She had a hard time holding her tongue, but she has never pulled that stuff again. And although I didn't have to leave, I was prepared to do so and that is important. I was in control of what I put up with and i wasnt going to be a door mat.

It was not only about self preservation but it was also about declaring yourself as an adult who deserves to be treated better than that. I think I grew up in her eyes that day.

[barrnone]

Hold your head up high, be proud of who you are - ignore the comments. If I had to deal with that, I wouldn't go.

[Jenileigh]

I agree with Jill, her approach sounds like a wonderful idea. It definitely would not hurt to try it. I'm sorry for both of you that have had to deal with this. I can't imagine your pain. Hugs

[sylvia2009]

I have been avoiding family get togethers for so many years . I have lost 40 lbs. and just was home last week I hadnt been home in years. The reason I went home was because daddy was in the hospital. I came back home to my house and two days later turned right around and went back they were sending daddy home from the hospital and are giving him 3 weeks to live. I lost so many times that I didn't see him because I didn't want anyone to tell me anything about my weight. Even though now I have lost 40lbs it still isnt what I had lost before and I still am not the weight I was the last time I let them see me , It doesn't really matter any more . My dad is leaving this earth now and I regret the times I could have gont to see him and didn't.

[kac1]

Blood is NOT thicker than water. Do what YOU need to do to be successful for yourself. Be honest- Tell them you are not coming back for Thanksgiving and if they ask why, tell them. Be strong. If they lament, tell them fine and one word from anyone you will walk out.

It can be hurtful. I am so sorry. You are doing something wonderful and you are your main priority!! Good luck!!