Tweet
Hi everyone,
Times is passing and I continue going. I am so grateful for these 5 days of no sugar, white flour and grains. Last night, I had a bit of the head hunger. It always happens when I am relaxing in the evening. I decided to put myself to bed a little earlier than normal rather than eat. I wasn't hungry, I was wanting to snack. Changing lifelong negative behaviors that served no purpose other then to bring me to my knees literally and medicating myself with food just has to stop. I heard someone say " if you can't remember the miracles of not eating compulsivley then remember the pain." Trust me, I remember every bit of pain eating carbs and sugar has caused me because I am living it every day. Here are the things that run through my mind each and every day of my miserable existance at 375lbs.
I long to walk without pain. I long to be able to lay in bed and being able to turn easily and not snore so loudly. I long to be able to have energy and fit in. I long to be able to stop crying because of how sad I feel about all the wasted time. I long to be able to like me, just because of who I am. I long to be able to not just watch my life pass me by, but be an active participant in life. I long to be able to walk as much and as far as I like. I long to be able to walk into a store and have the clothes fit me off the shelf. I long to be able to feel good in my skin. I long to stop using food as my way of coping. I long to no longer be asthmatic or have sleep apnea. I long to no longer have high blood pressure. I long for the voices in my head that tell me eat, that I can start again tomorrow to just shut up. I long for willingness to be willing to continue to eat this way. I long for the time to pass so that I can be less weight so I can move more freely and exercise. I long to not just want to lay in bed because it hurts so much to get out of bed and move around. I long for it to not be a struggle to get in and out of my car and for the steering wheel to rub my large fat belly. I long for my hips and knees to not hurt so bad that just lifting the right leg to step on the brake or gas hurts so bad. I long to not have to hear my knees and ankles crack under the tremendous amount of weight they are asked to carry each and everyday. I long to not be exhausted and in pain every day of my life, so much so that I barely make it to get out of bed to go to work everyday. I long to be healthy and light so that I can bounce out of bed in the morning ready to take on the challenges of the day. I long for every waking moment to not have to be about what I am going to eat, how much I am going to eat, where I am going to eat, should I pick up or not. I long to not yo yo diet anymore. I long for the day that eating will be just like breathing, no muss no fuss, automatic. I long for the day that I am free from this obsession of the mind. I long for these things to come to fruition before I die. I long to be able to live a long healthy life. I long to help others that are just like me. I long to be a better wife to my husband, because when I am in my addiction with food, I am miserable and nasty and irritable because I hate myself for eating the foods that make me this way. I long to stop isolating. I long to be able to make friends and do things with them. I long to belong. I long to fit in. I long to be able to put my own socks and shoes on. I long to be able to clean my house and get rid of the clutter. I long to be able to save my life. There are many more things I long for, but suffice to say, getting these needs met would be an miracle. I am willing to do what it takes to get my life back. I am going to print this out and carry it with so that when I want to eat the junk, these will serve as reminders as to why I better not pick up.
Times is passing and I continue going. I am so grateful for these 5 days of no sugar, white flour and grains. Last night, I had a bit of the head hunger. It always happens when I am relaxing in the evening. I decided to put myself to bed a little earlier than normal rather than eat. I wasn't hungry, I was wanting to snack. Changing lifelong negative behaviors that served no purpose other then to bring me to my knees literally and medicating myself with food just has to stop. I heard someone say " if you can't remember the miracles of not eating compulsivley then remember the pain." Trust me, I remember every bit of pain eating carbs and sugar has caused me because I am living it every day. Here are the things that run through my mind each and every day of my miserable existance at 375lbs.
I long to walk without pain. I long to be able to lay in bed and being able to turn easily and not snore so loudly. I long to be able to have energy and fit in. I long to be able to stop crying because of how sad I feel about all the wasted time. I long to be able to like me, just because of who I am. I long to be able to not just watch my life pass me by, but be an active participant in life. I long to be able to walk as much and as far as I like. I long to be able to walk into a store and have the clothes fit me off the shelf. I long to be able to feel good in my skin. I long to stop using food as my way of coping. I long to no longer be asthmatic or have sleep apnea. I long to no longer have high blood pressure. I long for the voices in my head that tell me eat, that I can start again tomorrow to just shut up. I long for willingness to be willing to continue to eat this way. I long for the time to pass so that I can be less weight so I can move more freely and exercise. I long to not just want to lay in bed because it hurts so much to get out of bed and move around. I long for it to not be a struggle to get in and out of my car and for the steering wheel to rub my large fat belly. I long for my hips and knees to not hurt so bad that just lifting the right leg to step on the brake or gas hurts so bad. I long to not have to hear my knees and ankles crack under the tremendous amount of weight they are asked to carry each and everyday. I long to not be exhausted and in pain every day of my life, so much so that I barely make it to get out of bed to go to work everyday. I long to be healthy and light so that I can bounce out of bed in the morning ready to take on the challenges of the day. I long for every waking moment to not have to be about what I am going to eat, how much I am going to eat, where I am going to eat, should I pick up or not. I long to not yo yo diet anymore. I long for the day that eating will be just like breathing, no muss no fuss, automatic. I long for the day that I am free from this obsession of the mind. I long for these things to come to fruition before I die. I long to be able to live a long healthy life. I long to help others that are just like me. I long to be a better wife to my husband, because when I am in my addiction with food, I am miserable and nasty and irritable because I hate myself for eating the foods that make me this way. I long to stop isolating. I long to be able to make friends and do things with them. I long to belong. I long to fit in. I long to be able to put my own socks and shoes on. I long to be able to clean my house and get rid of the clutter. I long to be able to save my life. There are many more things I long for, but suffice to say, getting these needs met would be an miracle. I am willing to do what it takes to get my life back. I am going to print this out and carry it with so that when I want to eat the junk, these will serve as reminders as to why I better not pick up.
Comment